I got to meet the little one first. Zane came to my work to take me to lunch and he had his littlest with him. She was 3 at the time, about to turn 4. What a cutie! However, I just kept thinking, "My youngest is almost 11!! I am past this little kid stage. Could I go back? Do I WANT to go back?" It was something to think about and consider as Zane and I continued to get to know each other.
We went to the Chic-Fil-A in the mall so that she would get her chicken nuggets. She was super cute and even reached over to hold my hand while we walked to our table. We sat and visited and when Zane asked her a usual question, he got an unusual answer. He asked, "Who's my princess?" Expecting the usual answer of "I am!", he instead got a finger pointed at ME. I was feeling like Zane's princess but what an intuitive moment by a toddler to figure it out.
She hooked me. I really liked her. I knew there were still more kids to meet and hurdles to jump but my fear of little kids was dissipating. We could do this!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Service in Jail...
I remember an experience on my mission where we were visiting with a woman who had lost a child to SIDS. She was mourning and depressed and was having a very difficult time finding a reason to get up every morning. I remember thinking that I had never experienced death of a close relative or friend in my life up to that point. I wondered how I would react. Would I be depressed? Could I function? Would I be sad but comforted because I had a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation? It made me wonder who I really was deep inside. What are my core beliefs? What was my foundation? I could speculate all I wanted but until a situation came my way, I wouldn't be tested.
Zane has shared some feelings he had when he was in jail. The one thing that stood out to me was his reaction to it all. I'm sure there are many people in the same situation who would ball up in the fetal position and lament the entire situation. Others might get mad and build up resentment and ill feelings the entire stay. Zane did neither of those. I am sure he had moments of those feelings. He wouldn't be human if he didn't. However, the thing that impressed me was that he made the most he could of the situation. He got out of himself and instead, served those around him. He helped inmates study for the GED, he committed acts of service, and generally, he kept a positive attitude in the situation. He became friends with some of his fellow inmates. Relationships that I have seen continue today and many of them thank Zane for his influence and example in jail. Zane is such a good guy and has such a love for those in his life. I am truly grateful for his example in my life.
I came across this quote from "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl and, although Utah County Jail cannot compare to a concentration camp, it reminded me that we all have a choice. How are we going to react to our trials? What is our foundation? In moments of trial and stress, it will manifest itself. Zane chose a positive path and, in so doing, made that year in jail meaningful and purposeful. What a great example.
"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Zane has shared some feelings he had when he was in jail. The one thing that stood out to me was his reaction to it all. I'm sure there are many people in the same situation who would ball up in the fetal position and lament the entire situation. Others might get mad and build up resentment and ill feelings the entire stay. Zane did neither of those. I am sure he had moments of those feelings. He wouldn't be human if he didn't. However, the thing that impressed me was that he made the most he could of the situation. He got out of himself and instead, served those around him. He helped inmates study for the GED, he committed acts of service, and generally, he kept a positive attitude in the situation. He became friends with some of his fellow inmates. Relationships that I have seen continue today and many of them thank Zane for his influence and example in jail. Zane is such a good guy and has such a love for those in his life. I am truly grateful for his example in my life.
I came across this quote from "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl and, although Utah County Jail cannot compare to a concentration camp, it reminded me that we all have a choice. How are we going to react to our trials? What is our foundation? In moments of trial and stress, it will manifest itself. Zane chose a positive path and, in so doing, made that year in jail meaningful and purposeful. What a great example.
"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
And there were always choices to make.
Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become molded into the form of the typical inmate.
Seen from this point of view, the mental reactions of the inmates of a concentration camp must seem more to us than the mere expression of certain physical and sociological conditions. Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him--mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevski said once, 'There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.' These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom--which cannot be taken away--that makes life meaningful and purposeful."
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
The morning after the best first-date weekend...
This was delivered to me at work on Monday morning. I was a bit tired after staying up all-night Saturday night and not getting to bed early on Sunday night. Best follow-up delivery...
Friday, August 1, 2014
Meeting the kids...
Sunday was rough. I was so tired. We had stayed up all night talking and I was emotionally and physically spent. But there was no time for a nap. I needed to be in Church with my kids.
I love Church. I love the people in my congregation. I love that it has a smaller youth program so that my kids can be heavily involved. They give a talk at least once a year and when they aren't there, people notice. I appreciate that. After my divorce, I clung to my ward. I needed the stability and love from the people for myself and for my kids. I was a wreck. I tried very hard to keep my kids from seeing that but inside I was a wreck. I leaned heavily on the amazing people in my ward to show consistent love and acceptance of my family when I wasn't so sure I could do it. They were all amazing and I am truly grateful for that blessing. Every ward should be this wonderful.
After church, I needed to head to Spanish Fork to return a truck I had borrowed from my brother. My new 16-year old son/driver was going to follow me and bring me home. Zane and I had been texting throughout the day and when I mentioned my plans, he was quick to suggest that he meet me in Spanish Fork and bring me home. Hmmm, I hesitated slightly. I just met this guy and he wants to bring me home to my HOUSE? He will know where I LIVE? I liked the guy, I was falling for him. But what if he really was an AX MURDERER??
But that was just a fleeting thought. I was excited to see him again. So, yes, he can bring me home.
Zane met my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew that day. We still tease about the impression he made on them. I think we were all a little nervous and there were some funny jokes told that we still talk about.
On the way home, I expressed my anxiety about him meeting my kids. I wasn't sure if I was ready. My kids knew I dated and occassionally even participated in it. We had fun together scrolling through on-line profiles, chatting online, and they even joined me on a few dates. I didn't want to hide the fact that I was dating but I also didn't want to parade a bunch of guys in front of them either. I think I found a good balance. I guess I will find out when I see the therapy bills they will all need in the future.
I REALLY liked Zane and I knew my kids would like him too. He came into the house, performed a few magic tricks for my kids, and they were hooked. I'm sure the "turning a one-dollar bill into a twenty" helped with the first impression, too. Zane was so great with them. For a guy who professes to HATE kids (as do I, so I can totally relate), he hit it off well with my kids.
The next day, I told my kids that I was really interested in Zane and I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. This is how my youngest reacted...
Me: I think I want to start dating Zane exclusively. What do you think?
Shane: The Magician??
Me: Yes.
Shane: (pumping fist into the air) YES!!
I think they were okay with it. Time would only tell how things would turn out but I liked what I knew of Zane and I wanted to see what could come out of it. He is a great guy and I felt spiritually at peace with my decision to move forward with the relationship. I am a big believer of Fruits.
3rd Nephi 14:16-17: "Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit."
I was willing to invest the time to see what our fruits could be. I was excited for the adventure.
I love Church. I love the people in my congregation. I love that it has a smaller youth program so that my kids can be heavily involved. They give a talk at least once a year and when they aren't there, people notice. I appreciate that. After my divorce, I clung to my ward. I needed the stability and love from the people for myself and for my kids. I was a wreck. I tried very hard to keep my kids from seeing that but inside I was a wreck. I leaned heavily on the amazing people in my ward to show consistent love and acceptance of my family when I wasn't so sure I could do it. They were all amazing and I am truly grateful for that blessing. Every ward should be this wonderful.
After church, I needed to head to Spanish Fork to return a truck I had borrowed from my brother. My new 16-year old son/driver was going to follow me and bring me home. Zane and I had been texting throughout the day and when I mentioned my plans, he was quick to suggest that he meet me in Spanish Fork and bring me home. Hmmm, I hesitated slightly. I just met this guy and he wants to bring me home to my HOUSE? He will know where I LIVE? I liked the guy, I was falling for him. But what if he really was an AX MURDERER??
But that was just a fleeting thought. I was excited to see him again. So, yes, he can bring me home.
Zane met my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew that day. We still tease about the impression he made on them. I think we were all a little nervous and there were some funny jokes told that we still talk about.
On the way home, I expressed my anxiety about him meeting my kids. I wasn't sure if I was ready. My kids knew I dated and occassionally even participated in it. We had fun together scrolling through on-line profiles, chatting online, and they even joined me on a few dates. I didn't want to hide the fact that I was dating but I also didn't want to parade a bunch of guys in front of them either. I think I found a good balance. I guess I will find out when I see the therapy bills they will all need in the future.
I REALLY liked Zane and I knew my kids would like him too. He came into the house, performed a few magic tricks for my kids, and they were hooked. I'm sure the "turning a one-dollar bill into a twenty" helped with the first impression, too. Zane was so great with them. For a guy who professes to HATE kids (as do I, so I can totally relate), he hit it off well with my kids.
The next day, I told my kids that I was really interested in Zane and I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. This is how my youngest reacted...
Me: I think I want to start dating Zane exclusively. What do you think?
Shane: The Magician??
Me: Yes.
Shane: (pumping fist into the air) YES!!
I think they were okay with it. Time would only tell how things would turn out but I liked what I knew of Zane and I wanted to see what could come out of it. He is a great guy and I felt spiritually at peace with my decision to move forward with the relationship. I am a big believer of Fruits.
3rd Nephi 14:16-17: "Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit."
I was willing to invest the time to see what our fruits could be. I was excited for the adventure.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Do you believe in the Atonement? So do I...
Our marathon date on April 13 was awesome! Throughout the night, we made references to the our pasts and why we were divorced but didn't dig too deep. Zane kept saying, "When I know you better and you are ready to see me cry, I will tell you all about it." I wasn't coming into this with my eyes shut. I am 41 years old and I am divorced. Most people at my age who are divorced are divorced for a reason. And it isn't just one person's fault. It takes two to get divorced. I knew I had faults and struggles and was part of my own divorce. It would be unfair of me to think that Zane would have no baggage or be completely innocent in HIS divorce. Of course we would cry as we talked about broken marriages and families. Those aren't reasons to rejoice.
I know we all make mistakes. In my dating experiences, I looked for one thing...what direction are they heading? Are they heading towards God or away?
About 3am, Zane and I were still sitting in the parking lot of IHOP talking. He had made some references to his past. I finally stopped him from saying anything else and I asked him two questions that, I believe, were put into my mind to ask him. I felt inspired. This is how the conversation went...
Me: Can I ask you a question?
Zane: Sure.
Me: Did you ever serve time in jail?
Zane: Yes, I did.
Me: Are you currently a member of the Church?
Zane: No, I am not.
Then he followed that up with, "Buckle up, it's about to get good."
For the next few hours we talked about his life. The mistakes he had made and the consequences that followed. He held NOTHING back. I heard all of it. He may have missed a detail or two but I heard as much as he could share.
He says that I kept trying to get closer and closer to my door as he spilled his guts but I don't think that is true. I listened. And felt at peace. I was so impressed with the way he was trying to overcome the challenges and struggles in his life. He was arrested. He was served divorce papers. He was ex-communicated. All in a short amount of time. Then the waiting period for the trial. The verdict? Go to jail for a year, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Through it all, his TESTIMONY did not falter. His love for God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, DID NOT falter. The shame he felt. The sadness he felt. The anger he felt. I can't even imagine all of those feelings. Yet, Zane never gave up.
He finished his story by saying he had a great time on our date and he would completely understand if I never wanted to see him again. He was grateful to have met me and he had a wonderful time. Maybe we could be friends.
I just looked at him and asked him this simple question...
Me: "Do you believe in the Atonement?"
Zane: "Of course, I do."
Me: "So do I."
I have an unfaltering testimony of my Savior and what He did for all of us while He was here on this Earth. He overcame all of our weaknesses. We aren't meant for failure here but we ARE here to learn. Some of us have bigger lessons to learn than others. But as long as we get up, learn from our trials, and continually move closer to our Heavenly Father, we are on the right path. Grace is good. The Atonement is real. With all of his mistakes, Zane was the first man I dated who was on the right path and committed to staying on it. He impressed me.
He was exactly who I wanted to link arms with and move forward in life. We have the same eternal perspective and I am grateful. I know he is sad to be where he is at. It's true that there are blessings that we can't have right now in our lives. We can't be sealed together for eternity. But we will. I have no doubts.
I am grateful he chose me to share this path with him. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have him in my life.
Isn't it such a fluke? No, I like to call it FATE.
I know we all make mistakes. In my dating experiences, I looked for one thing...what direction are they heading? Are they heading towards God or away?
About 3am, Zane and I were still sitting in the parking lot of IHOP talking. He had made some references to his past. I finally stopped him from saying anything else and I asked him two questions that, I believe, were put into my mind to ask him. I felt inspired. This is how the conversation went...
Me: Can I ask you a question?
Zane: Sure.
Me: Did you ever serve time in jail?
Zane: Yes, I did.
Me: Are you currently a member of the Church?
Zane: No, I am not.
Then he followed that up with, "Buckle up, it's about to get good."
For the next few hours we talked about his life. The mistakes he had made and the consequences that followed. He held NOTHING back. I heard all of it. He may have missed a detail or two but I heard as much as he could share.
He says that I kept trying to get closer and closer to my door as he spilled his guts but I don't think that is true. I listened. And felt at peace. I was so impressed with the way he was trying to overcome the challenges and struggles in his life. He was arrested. He was served divorce papers. He was ex-communicated. All in a short amount of time. Then the waiting period for the trial. The verdict? Go to jail for a year, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Through it all, his TESTIMONY did not falter. His love for God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, DID NOT falter. The shame he felt. The sadness he felt. The anger he felt. I can't even imagine all of those feelings. Yet, Zane never gave up.
He finished his story by saying he had a great time on our date and he would completely understand if I never wanted to see him again. He was grateful to have met me and he had a wonderful time. Maybe we could be friends.
I just looked at him and asked him this simple question...
Me: "Do you believe in the Atonement?"
Zane: "Of course, I do."
Me: "So do I."
I have an unfaltering testimony of my Savior and what He did for all of us while He was here on this Earth. He overcame all of our weaknesses. We aren't meant for failure here but we ARE here to learn. Some of us have bigger lessons to learn than others. But as long as we get up, learn from our trials, and continually move closer to our Heavenly Father, we are on the right path. Grace is good. The Atonement is real. With all of his mistakes, Zane was the first man I dated who was on the right path and committed to staying on it. He impressed me.
He was exactly who I wanted to link arms with and move forward in life. We have the same eternal perspective and I am grateful. I know he is sad to be where he is at. It's true that there are blessings that we can't have right now in our lives. We can't be sealed together for eternity. But we will. I have no doubts.
I am grateful he chose me to share this path with him. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have him in my life.
Isn't it such a fluke? No, I like to call it FATE.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Shame
One of the most profound days of my life was the day I was sentenced to a year in jail. It was the beginning of something that I didn't expect. It was one of the hardest years of my life. It was when I realized that It couldn’t matter to me anymore what anyone else thought. And I didn’t realize it back then, that the Lord would use me, to show me the incredible love He had for me.
I recently spoke with a young girl that has broken the law of chastity. She is distraught. I have friends that struggle with addiction. To them, and to all the people that have really messed up in life, the drug addicts, the prostitutes, the gang members, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and everyone else I know... the people in the church and outside of the church that have made mistakes. To the boys and girls who didn’t say no before marriage, who have heard the messages out there on saving yourself for marriage, and staying pure, and you feel like you just want to run because you have already crossed the line… and you feel marked…and you think there is no turning back…let me speak this truth to you: Jesus does NOT condemn you.
He came to rescue you and restore you, and he will meet you right in the middle of your mess. No matter what kind of mess or how big that mess may be. He will meet you in the middle if you let him. It does NOT matter how messy you have made your life. As one who made his life messier than most, I know this to be true... To my dear little friend who broke the law of chastity, I would say...
You need to remember that it is only by his cleansing blood that you are truly pure. Saving yourself for marriage will not make you right with God. (It is a sign of obedience to Gods commandments), But ONLY trusting Jesus’ atonement for ALL of the ways you have sinned against him will make you right with the Lord. And crazy as it sounds…he is counting on using your past sins for your good if you are his child! They are never wasted.
Maybe you have messed up so many times that you think there is just no way Jesus could forgive you. Or maybe you think if you just feel bad enough and stay away from certain people things will change and God will eventually feel better about you and accept you. But nothing could be further from the truth. Do you know how many accounts there are of women in the Bible that the world thought of very low worth, very sinful women, that Jesus pursued in love? Do you know He says that he takes great delight in his daughters? And rejoices over you? That is how the Lord loves you…in all your mess…in all your sin and shame.
If you are like me, you will have to battle to believe this on a daily basis. You may fight the battle of not only accusations you are telling yourself, but also the accusations you hear from others. But this is when we have to remember that this is exactly the path that Jesus took to save us!
He died the death we deserved to die.
He lived the perfect life we never could.
Jesus was on trial; the world was judge and jury. And this was the path that Jesus chose as the way to rescue the shamed. The path he chose to rescue ME and YOU!
The atonement is the best and quickest summary of what God says to unworthy people. He always says, ‘I love you’ first.
Tell those promises to yourself, daily! Remind yourself of them. I know the shame I have had as a person that made a mess of his life. I know how the Lord has redeemed my life and has shown me a life with Christ, rather than without. Every one of us has experienced shame in some way. It resonates deeply in all of us at some level. And shame had been a close companion of mine for most of my life. It started way before I became a single dad who was jailed and excommunicated.
Fathers Day the year I got out of jail was hard. I was at church and I knew during the service they were going to have all of the fathers stand up and have the kids in Young Mens and Young Womens come up to the front and get a chocolate or something to give to their dads. I was so uncomfortable with it. I was so thankful that my baby Quinn had started crying and I had an excuse to leave the service and basically go hide. A few minutes later…there I stood in the back of the church, and my son came up to me with a chocolate candy bar in his hands, excited for me to have it. Of course I took it and hugged him and allowed him to have that moment to honor me like that. Though inside, I felt completely undeserving of that attention. That boy didn’t know his dad like I knew him.
It has been said that Most people who know shame are horribly uncomfortable with the idea of receiving honor. I didn’t know it that Father’s Day but shame had followed me since I was a young man. There it was twenty five years later standing there right with me, looking me in the eye in that church service.
We all have this self ideal of who we think we should be. When we fall short of that, we feel shame. And of course we fall short, because we are sinners. Our innocence was taken from us because of the fall. Because of our rebellion, that innocence and honor has dissolved.
The Lord Jesus Christ knows every dark crevice of our heart. And just like the father of the prodigal son, he says, “I know what you’ve done. I know where you’ve been. I am so happy you have come home! We need to celebrate!” It almost feels scandalous and undeserving, doesn’t it? It’s too over the top! We can’t handle that are we are delighted in from someone who knows everything about us.
There was a time in my life where I absolutely could not believe that God could love me. I knew the gospel in my head. I preached the atonement to my kids. But it didn’t feel like enough for me. I remember telling the Lord time and time again, “Lord, YOU have to make me believe this. I can hardly believe this and do it myself.” He answered that prayer by stripping me of the enjoyment of every prideful thing in my life, and gave me the gift of “coming to my senses”.
“And when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. Make me as one of thy hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father.”
And then what did the Lord do when I came to him?
"But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said unto him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.’ But the father said to his servants,‘Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring hither the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and be merry. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to be merry."
Those who struggle with deep shame can find this the most awkward. Celebrating me? In my mind, being a servant seems so much more comfortable! I’ll take the back door into his kingdom. I’ll be the wall flower and watch the party going on. I’ll serve the wine while everyone else sits at the table feasting. That’s the role I am most comfortable with.
To those that struggle I would repeat a quote: “There is no gate that says, “Second class, enter here.” If you want Jesus, you must be willing to accept the honor that goes with the relationship. God has honored you. The gospel is the story of how he did it… We never thought he would come down off the throne, willingly become our servant, and serve us all the way to the cross.”
Some days it still feels like I have accidentally walked into someone else’s life. Grace just feels so ridiculous. Like Dorothy walking into the land of Oz…out of the black and white of her life and entering this whole new world of color. It’s beautiful and amazing… yet scary and strange. How do I deserve a loving wife and acceptance? I don't. But I know that the shame that has come from sin is swallowed up in my Savior, and it isn't really about me. It is about HIM.
Oh, the freedom of knowing it isn’t about us! Of knowing each time I come back to my Father when I have sinned, that he only feels compassion for me. That when I call out for help, I am honoring him. I am guessing that I will continue to feel shame, but I will do my best to not let it engulf me like it has in the past. I am so thankful that one day soon, shame will vanish completely.
He came to rescue you and restore you, and he will meet you right in the middle of your mess. No matter what kind of mess or how big that mess may be. He will meet you in the middle if you let him. It does NOT matter how messy you have made your life. As one who made his life messier than most, I know this to be true... To my dear little friend who broke the law of chastity, I would say...
You need to remember that it is only by his cleansing blood that you are truly pure. Saving yourself for marriage will not make you right with God. (It is a sign of obedience to Gods commandments), But ONLY trusting Jesus’ atonement for ALL of the ways you have sinned against him will make you right with the Lord. And crazy as it sounds…he is counting on using your past sins for your good if you are his child! They are never wasted.
Maybe you have messed up so many times that you think there is just no way Jesus could forgive you. Or maybe you think if you just feel bad enough and stay away from certain people things will change and God will eventually feel better about you and accept you. But nothing could be further from the truth. Do you know how many accounts there are of women in the Bible that the world thought of very low worth, very sinful women, that Jesus pursued in love? Do you know He says that he takes great delight in his daughters? And rejoices over you? That is how the Lord loves you…in all your mess…in all your sin and shame.
If you are like me, you will have to battle to believe this on a daily basis. You may fight the battle of not only accusations you are telling yourself, but also the accusations you hear from others. But this is when we have to remember that this is exactly the path that Jesus took to save us!
He died the death we deserved to die.
He lived the perfect life we never could.
Jesus was on trial; the world was judge and jury. And this was the path that Jesus chose as the way to rescue the shamed. The path he chose to rescue ME and YOU!
The atonement is the best and quickest summary of what God says to unworthy people. He always says, ‘I love you’ first.
Tell those promises to yourself, daily! Remind yourself of them. I know the shame I have had as a person that made a mess of his life. I know how the Lord has redeemed my life and has shown me a life with Christ, rather than without. Every one of us has experienced shame in some way. It resonates deeply in all of us at some level. And shame had been a close companion of mine for most of my life. It started way before I became a single dad who was jailed and excommunicated.
Fathers Day the year I got out of jail was hard. I was at church and I knew during the service they were going to have all of the fathers stand up and have the kids in Young Mens and Young Womens come up to the front and get a chocolate or something to give to their dads. I was so uncomfortable with it. I was so thankful that my baby Quinn had started crying and I had an excuse to leave the service and basically go hide. A few minutes later…there I stood in the back of the church, and my son came up to me with a chocolate candy bar in his hands, excited for me to have it. Of course I took it and hugged him and allowed him to have that moment to honor me like that. Though inside, I felt completely undeserving of that attention. That boy didn’t know his dad like I knew him.
It has been said that Most people who know shame are horribly uncomfortable with the idea of receiving honor. I didn’t know it that Father’s Day but shame had followed me since I was a young man. There it was twenty five years later standing there right with me, looking me in the eye in that church service.
We all have this self ideal of who we think we should be. When we fall short of that, we feel shame. And of course we fall short, because we are sinners. Our innocence was taken from us because of the fall. Because of our rebellion, that innocence and honor has dissolved.
The Lord Jesus Christ knows every dark crevice of our heart. And just like the father of the prodigal son, he says, “I know what you’ve done. I know where you’ve been. I am so happy you have come home! We need to celebrate!” It almost feels scandalous and undeserving, doesn’t it? It’s too over the top! We can’t handle that are we are delighted in from someone who knows everything about us.
There was a time in my life where I absolutely could not believe that God could love me. I knew the gospel in my head. I preached the atonement to my kids. But it didn’t feel like enough for me. I remember telling the Lord time and time again, “Lord, YOU have to make me believe this. I can hardly believe this and do it myself.” He answered that prayer by stripping me of the enjoyment of every prideful thing in my life, and gave me the gift of “coming to my senses”.
“And when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. Make me as one of thy hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father.”
And then what did the Lord do when I came to him?
"But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said unto him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.’ But the father said to his servants,‘Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring hither the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and be merry. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to be merry."
Those who struggle with deep shame can find this the most awkward. Celebrating me? In my mind, being a servant seems so much more comfortable! I’ll take the back door into his kingdom. I’ll be the wall flower and watch the party going on. I’ll serve the wine while everyone else sits at the table feasting. That’s the role I am most comfortable with.
To those that struggle I would repeat a quote: “There is no gate that says, “Second class, enter here.” If you want Jesus, you must be willing to accept the honor that goes with the relationship. God has honored you. The gospel is the story of how he did it… We never thought he would come down off the throne, willingly become our servant, and serve us all the way to the cross.”
Some days it still feels like I have accidentally walked into someone else’s life. Grace just feels so ridiculous. Like Dorothy walking into the land of Oz…out of the black and white of her life and entering this whole new world of color. It’s beautiful and amazing… yet scary and strange. How do I deserve a loving wife and acceptance? I don't. But I know that the shame that has come from sin is swallowed up in my Savior, and it isn't really about me. It is about HIM.
Oh, the freedom of knowing it isn’t about us! Of knowing each time I come back to my Father when I have sinned, that he only feels compassion for me. That when I call out for help, I am honoring him. I am guessing that I will continue to feel shame, but I will do my best to not let it engulf me like it has in the past. I am so thankful that one day soon, shame will vanish completely.
Linking Arms
I have said many times that marriage is hard. I don't really care if it is your first marriage to your high school sweet heart, or your 6th marriage to that millionaire that you just found on millionairesingles.com. (Not a real website btw. I know, I looked.) But when you are putting two people together that have kids, and past relationships, and past spouses, the stakes are a touch higher. DeShelle and I both came into this marriage with our eyes pretty wide open. Both of us came with scars and hurts. We came with expectations that came with previous relationships and previous marriages. Some of which may not be healthy, but for the most part we did a pretty good job of being candid about what we wanted in a spouse. Hence the title of this post. I wanted someone to link arms with me and move forward. Whatever that meant.
This past month we have turned into hotel Gray, which was the artist formerly known as hotel DeShelle. Mind you, I love all of DeShelle's friends. I love their kids, and I love to entertain. Are there moments that it is a bit much... of course there is. But I just want to take a minute and brag about my lovely wife. This is one of the things that I love about her. She sucks at saying "no" just as much as I do. :) And the truth is.... I don't want her to say no. I love that people want to be with us. At one point we had 17 people staying with us. But it was great. We made it work. And if it is one thing that I have realized about marriage, it is that it is work. You link arms, and you go forward together.
I have had the opportunity to get to know people and their children. I have seen the heartache that others feel for their kids just as I feel for mine. I have seen DeShelle shine. I have seen her give advice and encouragement to those that need a lifting hand. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. I have seen and know first hand that wickedness never was happiness. I know the pain of sin. I worry constantly that I am not good enough. I am in awe each day that a woman like DeShelle would want to link arms with me and head the right direction. In a recent conversation with one of our friends, we were discussing parenting. Because let's face it, we have 8 GREAT kids. Here are the simple rules to how we manage this thing called second marriage, which I think makes us pretty awesome parents!
1. We always link arms. We are united. Do we always agree? Yep. Kidding... Of course we don't always agree. Neither do the 12 apostles, but when a decision is made, we don't undermine each other. We run with it, arms linked.
2. We talk. I will be the first to say that I am a terrible communicator at times. But we talk. And when we talk, we talk it through. Communicating is the one thing that is so important. Without communication, we would be torn apart by 5 teens and 3 almost teens. So communication is critical.
3. We lead by example. We go to church. We read our scriptures as a family and individually. We pray together. We respect each other. We WORK on it. Whatever "it" is at the moment. We work on our relationship, but mostly we lead from the front.
4. We are committed to doing what is right. Are we perfect? Not even close. But at the end of the day, we are committed to doing the right thing. My children, my wife, and my Father in Heaven all deserve someone that is trying to do what is right. I have plenty of excuses not to do the right thing. No one would fault me for not going to church. I am not even a member, and I haven't been for over 4 years. But I show up each Sunday. Why? Because I am committed to doing what is right. Plain and simple.
5. We keep eternity in mind. DeShelle does this better than me. I stink at this. I am lucky because if she didn't have an eternal perspective, then why would she be with me? She wouldn't. I can't give her the things she deserves today and that KILLS me. But she has hope for the eternal plan of our Father. I love her so much for that. What a great gift that is to me. I don't know if I would have enough faith to see someone as they can become and not as they are. Keeping an eternal perspective on all things makes life much better. It makes you slower to anger, less fragile, and more likely to forgive. We would all do well to take a lesson from DeShelle on this one.
There are many more things that we do to make our marriage work, but these are 5 simple rules that we strive to live by each day. I love that I get to share my crazy life with DeShelle and 8 amazingly crazy children. I am truly the luckiest man alive.
This past month we have turned into hotel Gray, which was the artist formerly known as hotel DeShelle. Mind you, I love all of DeShelle's friends. I love their kids, and I love to entertain. Are there moments that it is a bit much... of course there is. But I just want to take a minute and brag about my lovely wife. This is one of the things that I love about her. She sucks at saying "no" just as much as I do. :) And the truth is.... I don't want her to say no. I love that people want to be with us. At one point we had 17 people staying with us. But it was great. We made it work. And if it is one thing that I have realized about marriage, it is that it is work. You link arms, and you go forward together.
I have had the opportunity to get to know people and their children. I have seen the heartache that others feel for their kids just as I feel for mine. I have seen DeShelle shine. I have seen her give advice and encouragement to those that need a lifting hand. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. I have seen and know first hand that wickedness never was happiness. I know the pain of sin. I worry constantly that I am not good enough. I am in awe each day that a woman like DeShelle would want to link arms with me and head the right direction. In a recent conversation with one of our friends, we were discussing parenting. Because let's face it, we have 8 GREAT kids. Here are the simple rules to how we manage this thing called second marriage, which I think makes us pretty awesome parents!
1. We always link arms. We are united. Do we always agree? Yep. Kidding... Of course we don't always agree. Neither do the 12 apostles, but when a decision is made, we don't undermine each other. We run with it, arms linked.
2. We talk. I will be the first to say that I am a terrible communicator at times. But we talk. And when we talk, we talk it through. Communicating is the one thing that is so important. Without communication, we would be torn apart by 5 teens and 3 almost teens. So communication is critical.
3. We lead by example. We go to church. We read our scriptures as a family and individually. We pray together. We respect each other. We WORK on it. Whatever "it" is at the moment. We work on our relationship, but mostly we lead from the front.
4. We are committed to doing what is right. Are we perfect? Not even close. But at the end of the day, we are committed to doing the right thing. My children, my wife, and my Father in Heaven all deserve someone that is trying to do what is right. I have plenty of excuses not to do the right thing. No one would fault me for not going to church. I am not even a member, and I haven't been for over 4 years. But I show up each Sunday. Why? Because I am committed to doing what is right. Plain and simple.
5. We keep eternity in mind. DeShelle does this better than me. I stink at this. I am lucky because if she didn't have an eternal perspective, then why would she be with me? She wouldn't. I can't give her the things she deserves today and that KILLS me. But she has hope for the eternal plan of our Father. I love her so much for that. What a great gift that is to me. I don't know if I would have enough faith to see someone as they can become and not as they are. Keeping an eternal perspective on all things makes life much better. It makes you slower to anger, less fragile, and more likely to forgive. We would all do well to take a lesson from DeShelle on this one.
There are many more things that we do to make our marriage work, but these are 5 simple rules that we strive to live by each day. I love that I get to share my crazy life with DeShelle and 8 amazingly crazy children. I am truly the luckiest man alive.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Marathon first date...
We stayed up all night talking...
ALL NIGHT!!
It was the best first-date I have ever been on. The conversation flowed so well. We laughed, we teased, we flirted, we exchanged stories, we did magic tricks. The time at The Melting Pot went by so fast. We shut the place down. When the workers brought out the brooms, we knew it was time to end the date.
Zane walked me outside, gave me a proper hug (no handshake this time), and sent me on my way with plans to get in touch again soon.
I was driving home and at a stop light decided to send him a text telling him I had a good time. This is how the conversation went...
Me: I had a great time tonight. It was great meeting you.
Zane: I had a great time as well. Can't wait to see you again.
Me: You know IHOP is open 24/7.
Zane: I like the way you think.
We met up a few minutes later at the IHOP in Murray. We weren't hungry but thought we could sit at a table and continue our conversation. We walked into the restaurant. Do you know what kind of people hang out at IHOP at midnight on a Saturday night? We didn't want to get caught in any crossfire between gangs so instead we went back to his truck.
We sat in the parking lot of IHOP and talked from midnight to 9am! It was amazing. And NO, there was NO making-out!! There was a sweet kiss about 2am when he showed a magic trick and "accidentally" dropped the card and we both reached down to pick it up. I was falling for this guy pretty quick. There was just something about him.
He kept making references to the baggage in his past and when he knew me better and we were both ready for a good cry, he would tell me all about it. Of course he has baggage, we are divorced. I have it too. I didn't start dating with an unrealistic idea that everything would be perfect. We are divorced for a reason. My belief was that I needed to find someone who would accept my baggage and I could accept his. We just needed to fit together and be willing to stick it out, no matter what.
About 9am, I told him I needed to go. I have to get to church. He had to get to church. We hugged, we shared another quick, sweet kiss and parted ways.
I WAS IN LOVE!!
We had shared thoughts, feelings, testimonies, and experiences throughout the night. I felt the confirmation of the Spirit that this could really be a good thing, if we worked hard at it. I saw eternal glimpses in this man that were overwhelming. He is such an amazing person. He has been in the pits of despair and stayed close to Heavenly Father, the only relationship that could get Zane through it all. He impressed me. I was excited to see what could happen.
Sunday, April 14: I couldn't wait to see him again.
ALL NIGHT!!
It was the best first-date I have ever been on. The conversation flowed so well. We laughed, we teased, we flirted, we exchanged stories, we did magic tricks. The time at The Melting Pot went by so fast. We shut the place down. When the workers brought out the brooms, we knew it was time to end the date.
Zane walked me outside, gave me a proper hug (no handshake this time), and sent me on my way with plans to get in touch again soon.
I was driving home and at a stop light decided to send him a text telling him I had a good time. This is how the conversation went...
Me: I had a great time tonight. It was great meeting you.
Zane: I had a great time as well. Can't wait to see you again.
Me: You know IHOP is open 24/7.
Zane: I like the way you think.
We met up a few minutes later at the IHOP in Murray. We weren't hungry but thought we could sit at a table and continue our conversation. We walked into the restaurant. Do you know what kind of people hang out at IHOP at midnight on a Saturday night? We didn't want to get caught in any crossfire between gangs so instead we went back to his truck.
We sat in the parking lot of IHOP and talked from midnight to 9am! It was amazing. And NO, there was NO making-out!! There was a sweet kiss about 2am when he showed a magic trick and "accidentally" dropped the card and we both reached down to pick it up. I was falling for this guy pretty quick. There was just something about him.
He kept making references to the baggage in his past and when he knew me better and we were both ready for a good cry, he would tell me all about it. Of course he has baggage, we are divorced. I have it too. I didn't start dating with an unrealistic idea that everything would be perfect. We are divorced for a reason. My belief was that I needed to find someone who would accept my baggage and I could accept his. We just needed to fit together and be willing to stick it out, no matter what.
About 9am, I told him I needed to go. I have to get to church. He had to get to church. We hugged, we shared another quick, sweet kiss and parted ways.
I WAS IN LOVE!!
We had shared thoughts, feelings, testimonies, and experiences throughout the night. I felt the confirmation of the Spirit that this could really be a good thing, if we worked hard at it. I saw eternal glimpses in this man that were overwhelming. He is such an amazing person. He has been in the pits of despair and stayed close to Heavenly Father, the only relationship that could get Zane through it all. He impressed me. I was excited to see what could happen.
Sunday, April 14: I couldn't wait to see him again.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
We met!
On Saturday, April 13 we met.
We texted throughout the day. I was at my son's soccer game, he was working out of town. He would tell me when he got a sale, I would tell him when my son scored. Conversation was fun and I was really looking forward to our date.
He suggested that we meet for dinner at 8pm at The Melting Pot in downtown Salt Lake City. I was impressed that he suggested such a venue but also a little nervous. This wasn't a 20-minute meet-for-cocoa first date. Dinner at The Melting Pot can take quite a while. There are so many courses. What if the conversation lagged? What if we didn't get along in person? Online personas can translate very differently in reality. That is why I have never been a fan of long-distance relationships and I was surprised how many people in the "singles world" considered themselves committed to a person they had never physically met. I couldn't do it. I need to know you. I need to hear the jokes and comments in person. I need to hear it and see it in HIS voice. I was pretty quick to agree to dates when I met someone online. The online dating site is only the venue, the vehicle to meet someone. The relationship needs to happen in person for me.
I was excited to meet MagicMan007 or Z Phillip or whatever his name was.
At 8pm, I arrived at The Melting Pot and was greeted by a good-looking bald man who stood from the waiting bench to shake my hand. I always chuckle at that greeting. He SHOOK my hand! I know it was our first time meeting, I realize it was his first date since his divorce, but a HAND SHAKE? We had hit it off in our conversations. I thought a quick hug would have been in order. I just teased him a bit about it. It felt so comfortable immediately.
Side note...this is why I made him a contributor to the blog. We need both perspectives. :)
As he stuck out his hand he said, "Hi, I'm Zane."
We sat for a minute and talked baseball while we waited for our table. He likes the Braves, I like any other team but the Braves. He checked his Fantasy Baseball line-up, I teased him about it. It wasn't like any other first date. It felt so comfortable.
We were called to our table and he led the way. Oh man, I loved the way he walked. Is that weird? It might be a little weird but the way a person walks is very telling to me. He was attractive, he dressed nice, he had a great, athletic walk...I had high hopes for the evening.
About 45 minutes into our date, Zane gets a text from his friend to see how it was going. Zane must have been enjoying himself because there didn't turn out to be a "family emergency". We laughed about that. I joked that I was going to do it but HE REALLY DID IT!
April 13, 2013: I knew my future was changing for the better.
We texted throughout the day. I was at my son's soccer game, he was working out of town. He would tell me when he got a sale, I would tell him when my son scored. Conversation was fun and I was really looking forward to our date.
He suggested that we meet for dinner at 8pm at The Melting Pot in downtown Salt Lake City. I was impressed that he suggested such a venue but also a little nervous. This wasn't a 20-minute meet-for-cocoa first date. Dinner at The Melting Pot can take quite a while. There are so many courses. What if the conversation lagged? What if we didn't get along in person? Online personas can translate very differently in reality. That is why I have never been a fan of long-distance relationships and I was surprised how many people in the "singles world" considered themselves committed to a person they had never physically met. I couldn't do it. I need to know you. I need to hear the jokes and comments in person. I need to hear it and see it in HIS voice. I was pretty quick to agree to dates when I met someone online. The online dating site is only the venue, the vehicle to meet someone. The relationship needs to happen in person for me.
I was excited to meet MagicMan007 or Z Phillip or whatever his name was.
At 8pm, I arrived at The Melting Pot and was greeted by a good-looking bald man who stood from the waiting bench to shake my hand. I always chuckle at that greeting. He SHOOK my hand! I know it was our first time meeting, I realize it was his first date since his divorce, but a HAND SHAKE? We had hit it off in our conversations. I thought a quick hug would have been in order. I just teased him a bit about it. It felt so comfortable immediately.
Side note...this is why I made him a contributor to the blog. We need both perspectives. :)
As he stuck out his hand he said, "Hi, I'm Zane."
We sat for a minute and talked baseball while we waited for our table. He likes the Braves, I like any other team but the Braves. He checked his Fantasy Baseball line-up, I teased him about it. It wasn't like any other first date. It felt so comfortable.
We were called to our table and he led the way. Oh man, I loved the way he walked. Is that weird? It might be a little weird but the way a person walks is very telling to me. He was attractive, he dressed nice, he had a great, athletic walk...I had high hopes for the evening.
About 45 minutes into our date, Zane gets a text from his friend to see how it was going. Zane must have been enjoying himself because there didn't turn out to be a "family emergency". We laughed about that. I joked that I was going to do it but HE REALLY DID IT!
April 13, 2013: I knew my future was changing for the better.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
We should meet...
It was getting late and MagicMan007 had to work early the next morning. We needed to wrap up our IM session on ldssingles.com. This is close to how the conversation went:
MagicMan007: This has been fun. I don't know protocol of online dating so I am not sure what to do next.
deshelleb: We should meet.
MagicMan007: I don't have my kids tomorrow night. How about dinner?
deshelleb: That sounds great.
MagicMan007: Why don't I pick you up around 7:30pm?
deshelleb: Woah, back up, AX MURDERER! You obviously don't know protocol. How about instead of you picking me up, where I live (so that you know where to come back to kidnap and kill me), we meet in a well-lit place with lots of people around. About 20 minutes into the date, I will get a text from a good friend asking if things are okay. If I think you are weird, I will have a "family emergency" and we will both know what that means.
MagicMan007: Well, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I will also have a friend text me 20 minutes into the date and if YOU are weird, I will have a "family emergency" and we will both know what that means.
Finally, he was figuring out protocol of the online dating scene.
But I still didn't know his name...
deshelleb: So, I don't even know your real name.
MagicMan007: Do you want my stage name, what my mom calls me, or what my friends call me?
deshelleb: I guess I will go with what your mom calls you.
MagicMan007: Z Phillip
deshelleb: Okay, Z Phillip, I will see you tomorrow night. I am looking forward to it.
April 13, 2013: We had our first date.
MagicMan007: This has been fun. I don't know protocol of online dating so I am not sure what to do next.
deshelleb: We should meet.
MagicMan007: I don't have my kids tomorrow night. How about dinner?
deshelleb: That sounds great.
MagicMan007: Why don't I pick you up around 7:30pm?
deshelleb: Woah, back up, AX MURDERER! You obviously don't know protocol. How about instead of you picking me up, where I live (so that you know where to come back to kidnap and kill me), we meet in a well-lit place with lots of people around. About 20 minutes into the date, I will get a text from a good friend asking if things are okay. If I think you are weird, I will have a "family emergency" and we will both know what that means.
MagicMan007: Well, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I will also have a friend text me 20 minutes into the date and if YOU are weird, I will have a "family emergency" and we will both know what that means.
Finally, he was figuring out protocol of the online dating scene.
But I still didn't know his name...
deshelleb: So, I don't even know your real name.
MagicMan007: Do you want my stage name, what my mom calls me, or what my friends call me?
deshelleb: I guess I will go with what your mom calls you.
MagicMan007: Z Phillip
deshelleb: Okay, Z Phillip, I will see you tomorrow night. I am looking forward to it.
April 13, 2013: We had our first date.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
I hate kids...
I know that the title of this can be misleading. I want to make it clear what I meant. I REALLY truly hate kids. Not mine of course, but yours I hate. OK, hate is a strong word. I REALLY truly dislike kids. I know exactly what you are thinking... how does a magician hate kids? Well... I am a magician, not a clown. I am a professional sleight of hand close-up magician. I say the word magic and people immediately assume that I want to entertain their 4 year old at his birthday party with 10 other 4 year olds and make balloon animals. Nope, nada, not happening, not this guy. So... why do I agree to do magic for kids? Because I am dumb, and I have a high threshold for pain. Seriously... I even perform a trick at the start of my show called "I hate kids." Every performance I do for kids I come home and tell DeShelle that I am never doing another kids show again. And then some school calls and once again I lack the ability to say no.
I guess now is the part where I tell you that being married for a second time means that I have inherited 4 more kids. Bringing the grand total to 8. 5 of which are teens. The other 3 are 12, 11, and 4. So, how do things flow at our home? Pretty dang well. We are so blessed to have great kids. They get along splendidly with each other and I really believe that they are all friends. This doesn't mean that I like any of them, but I am glad that we have them.
One of the hardest parts about bringing the two families together is the timing of the kids. Especially the teens. Life is busy. Life is hard. There are many things that pull us in different directions, but never more so than when you are a teen. There is always something going on in their lives. Be it a dance, a date, a concert, a play, or even a sporting event, there is always something. For me, this has been a difficult balancing act. I want my kids to enjoy themselves, but I miss seeing them each day and interacting with them. Only having them every other weekend is super hard for me, so when things come up I want to say "No, you can't do that because I want to spend time with you." Unfortunately I know that is not how it works. That, for me, has been the roughest transition in this process. Even more so than DeShelle's incessant snoring, but that is another blog entry. :)
I think one of the best things DeShelle and I have going is that we both have pretty good ex's. It's hard to be married. It's hard to be divorced. It is hard to have an ex that will always be there because of the kids. My ex has never once tried to keep my kids from me, and that makes me so happy and so grateful. DeShelle's ex lives close and is very involved with her kids as well. In the juggling act that is called second marriage, this is a great blessing for both of us. Yes it is hard, but I think we are all doing pretty darn good at it.
It's hard being a step-dad. Jackson, Mariah, Jalyn and Shane are great. THEY don't make it hard. It is just hard for me to know my place at times. I think this is super normal for all step parents. I remember eating pie with DeShelle and Mariah one night at a restaurant. The server made a comment to Mariah about eating out with her parents and she was quick to point out "He is NOT my dad." I made a joke out of it and told the server that "she was NOT my daughter." We can laugh about it now, and I am glad that these 4 kids have a good dad, and that I get to be a cheerleader for them on their journey. I am fortunate enough to have 4 amazing kids of my own that have a good mother and an awesome step-mom.
I want all 8 of my kids (both original flavor and step flavor) to know that I love them. I miss them when they aren't around. I think of them often and pray for them each day. They all hold a very special place in my heart, which is pretty great considering that I hate kids. :)
I guess now is the part where I tell you that being married for a second time means that I have inherited 4 more kids. Bringing the grand total to 8. 5 of which are teens. The other 3 are 12, 11, and 4. So, how do things flow at our home? Pretty dang well. We are so blessed to have great kids. They get along splendidly with each other and I really believe that they are all friends. This doesn't mean that I like any of them, but I am glad that we have them.
One of the hardest parts about bringing the two families together is the timing of the kids. Especially the teens. Life is busy. Life is hard. There are many things that pull us in different directions, but never more so than when you are a teen. There is always something going on in their lives. Be it a dance, a date, a concert, a play, or even a sporting event, there is always something. For me, this has been a difficult balancing act. I want my kids to enjoy themselves, but I miss seeing them each day and interacting with them. Only having them every other weekend is super hard for me, so when things come up I want to say "No, you can't do that because I want to spend time with you." Unfortunately I know that is not how it works. That, for me, has been the roughest transition in this process. Even more so than DeShelle's incessant snoring, but that is another blog entry. :)
I think one of the best things DeShelle and I have going is that we both have pretty good ex's. It's hard to be married. It's hard to be divorced. It is hard to have an ex that will always be there because of the kids. My ex has never once tried to keep my kids from me, and that makes me so happy and so grateful. DeShelle's ex lives close and is very involved with her kids as well. In the juggling act that is called second marriage, this is a great blessing for both of us. Yes it is hard, but I think we are all doing pretty darn good at it.
It's hard being a step-dad. Jackson, Mariah, Jalyn and Shane are great. THEY don't make it hard. It is just hard for me to know my place at times. I think this is super normal for all step parents. I remember eating pie with DeShelle and Mariah one night at a restaurant. The server made a comment to Mariah about eating out with her parents and she was quick to point out "He is NOT my dad." I made a joke out of it and told the server that "she was NOT my daughter." We can laugh about it now, and I am glad that these 4 kids have a good dad, and that I get to be a cheerleader for them on their journey. I am fortunate enough to have 4 amazing kids of my own that have a good mother and an awesome step-mom.
I want all 8 of my kids (both original flavor and step flavor) to know that I love them. I miss them when they aren't around. I think of them often and pray for them each day. They all hold a very special place in my heart, which is pretty great considering that I hate kids. :)
I get to be a contributor...
I am glad that DeShelle invited me to be a contributor to our blog. There are several reasons that I think this is important.
1. I can set the record straight. (You know how women are always romanticizing the truth)
2. I can help the male followers of her blog see things from a mans perspective. Also known as the "right" perspective.
3. Most importantly, I can bring a bit of humor to the blog. DeShelle is cute and witty, but I am pretty sure that I am the funny one. She is the eye candy. :)
There are many things that I love about my wife. I love that she gets my sarcasm. Sarcasm is a special sort of humor. Those that use it often (like me) tend to use it at all the wrong times. I am always saying the most inappropriate things at the wrong time. Thank goodness she can just chuckle and roll her eyes at me, and I know I will still be loved when we get home. This is a great example of a time that I can set the record straight... I can honestly say that when the man walked up to me and said that I had a lovely daughter (she is 14) and I freaked out on him and was like... "what do you mean I have a lovely daughter, why you looking at my daughter?" DeShelle jumped between us and was like... "Zane, the Bishop was just saying..." See... without her, how was I supposed to know?
I think one of my favorite things about DeShelle is that she is a great friend and a wonderful servant of the Lord. She is always looking for things to do for others and I absolutely love her for this. I know that there are a lot of great people in the world, but I was lucky enough to grab one of the best.
I hope that as you read this blog and DeShelle talks about why the title of the blog is "we like to call it fate..." that it will become clear which one of us believes in fate, and which one of us calls it a "fluke." Here's a hint... I also believe in dinosaurs. One thing that DeShelle is certain never existed. I am pretty sure that if you ask her, she will say that all those bones in Vernal and the ones that reside at Thanksgiving Point are just a fluke. :)
1. I can set the record straight. (You know how women are always romanticizing the truth)
2. I can help the male followers of her blog see things from a mans perspective. Also known as the "right" perspective.
3. Most importantly, I can bring a bit of humor to the blog. DeShelle is cute and witty, but I am pretty sure that I am the funny one. She is the eye candy. :)
There are many things that I love about my wife. I love that she gets my sarcasm. Sarcasm is a special sort of humor. Those that use it often (like me) tend to use it at all the wrong times. I am always saying the most inappropriate things at the wrong time. Thank goodness she can just chuckle and roll her eyes at me, and I know I will still be loved when we get home. This is a great example of a time that I can set the record straight... I can honestly say that when the man walked up to me and said that I had a lovely daughter (she is 14) and I freaked out on him and was like... "what do you mean I have a lovely daughter, why you looking at my daughter?" DeShelle jumped between us and was like... "Zane, the Bishop was just saying..." See... without her, how was I supposed to know?
I think one of my favorite things about DeShelle is that she is a great friend and a wonderful servant of the Lord. She is always looking for things to do for others and I absolutely love her for this. I know that there are a lot of great people in the world, but I was lucky enough to grab one of the best.
I hope that as you read this blog and DeShelle talks about why the title of the blog is "we like to call it fate..." that it will become clear which one of us believes in fate, and which one of us calls it a "fluke." Here's a hint... I also believe in dinosaurs. One thing that DeShelle is certain never existed. I am pretty sure that if you ask her, she will say that all those bones in Vernal and the ones that reside at Thanksgiving Point are just a fluke. :)
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Chatting for hours...
True to his word, MagicMan007 got back on ldssingles.com that Friday night when he got back to his hotel room. I learned later that he faked exhaustion to his co-workers so he could get back to his room to talk to me. I was already online chatting with some other fellows. I wanted to stick to my plan of "casting my net wide." Two of the conversations I was having were not interesting to me. One guy lived in Alaska and the other was struggling to have a conversation with me. It was like pulling teeth. There was another who seemed nice enough and we made arrangements to go on a date in two weeks. But then MagicMan007 got online and the conversation was so FUN! He was witty, entertaining, confident, and charming. The conversation just FLOWED. We had so much fun chatting.
Side note...I need to mention this part of the story because it pertains to something that happens later...
My kids were all with their dad that night but at some point every single one of them stopped by to get clothes or hairspray or shoes or something. They asked what I was doing, I told them. They have laughed at my escapades and I didn't keep my online dating a secret. I wanted them to know what I was doing and learning. They got a kick out of these "old" people using technology to connect. That is something just for the young kids.
This particular night, my oldest was on a first date. He stopped by after the date to grab stuff and let me know how it went. He had a great time. Then he told me why he went on that first date. He already had plans to take this girl to the Prom the next weekend. He told me that he wanted the option to kiss her good night but you CAN'T KISS on the FIRST DATE so he was getting it out of the way the weekend before. What a SLY little dog!! Smart thinking on his part. (To his credit, he had a great time at Prom but did NOT kiss the girl goodnight. Good for him!)
After he left, I told MagicMan007 what I had just heard from my son...we got a good chuckle out of it and that led to more conversation. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing out loud at the conversation I was having with this man. I was interested. At some point during our conversation, I asked him to send me another photo of himself. He had only posted one on his profile and you just CAN'T get a good idea of someone with just one picture. His buddy took a picture and sent it over. I was a little confused! He did NOT look like the picture on his profile. I put the pictures side-by-side. I guess there was some similarities in there. I still found him handsome. He still intrigued me.
We talked for hours. I think we finally got off around midnight and there was not one boring moment. Getting back on ldssingles.com seemed like the right decision to make and I am grateful I was prompted to do it. I think Heavenly Father had his hand in this. Or else it was just a really weird COINCIDENCE.
Side note...I need to mention this part of the story because it pertains to something that happens later...
My kids were all with their dad that night but at some point every single one of them stopped by to get clothes or hairspray or shoes or something. They asked what I was doing, I told them. They have laughed at my escapades and I didn't keep my online dating a secret. I wanted them to know what I was doing and learning. They got a kick out of these "old" people using technology to connect. That is something just for the young kids.
This particular night, my oldest was on a first date. He stopped by after the date to grab stuff and let me know how it went. He had a great time. Then he told me why he went on that first date. He already had plans to take this girl to the Prom the next weekend. He told me that he wanted the option to kiss her good night but you CAN'T KISS on the FIRST DATE so he was getting it out of the way the weekend before. What a SLY little dog!! Smart thinking on his part. (To his credit, he had a great time at Prom but did NOT kiss the girl goodnight. Good for him!)
After he left, I told MagicMan007 what I had just heard from my son...we got a good chuckle out of it and that led to more conversation. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing out loud at the conversation I was having with this man. I was interested. At some point during our conversation, I asked him to send me another photo of himself. He had only posted one on his profile and you just CAN'T get a good idea of someone with just one picture. His buddy took a picture and sent it over. I was a little confused! He did NOT look like the picture on his profile. I put the pictures side-by-side. I guess there was some similarities in there. I still found him handsome. He still intrigued me.
We talked for hours. I think we finally got off around midnight and there was not one boring moment. Getting back on ldssingles.com seemed like the right decision to make and I am grateful I was prompted to do it. I think Heavenly Father had his hand in this. Or else it was just a really weird COINCIDENCE.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Don't be quick to judge...
I remember the first time it happened in the 9th grade. I had switched schools in the middle of the school year and was nervous about starting a new school. I had a few friends in the school but I didn't know anyone in my Biology class. I walked into the class, took a look around, and quickly assessed the situation. I don't want to sit by THAT person, they don't look smart. I don't want to sit by THAT person, they look too smart. I quickly made many judgements and tried to find the best seat. I don't remember who I sat by but I remember realizing that I misjudged them. Heavenly Father was trying to teach me a lesson. It has happened again and again in my life as I try to make my way in this world. Almost every single time, I have thought to myself, "Shellee, you shouldn't be so quick to judge. Everyone has something positive to contribute. Don't be so hasty."
I am a slow learner...
Fast forward to April 2013. I have been divorced for almost 3 years. I had just gotten out of a complicated, long-distance relationship about 4 months previous. I was healing and re-evaluating what I wanted in my life. I knew I wanted to date. I knew I wanted to get married again. The first time I got on ldssingles.com, I met some great friends. I went on some interesting dates. I almost never said no and if the date was okay, I always agreed to a second date. (It is too hard to get a clear idea of someone on a first date.) So, now I find myself on the precipice of dating again. I got back on ldssingles.com and I vividly remember thinking to myself, "Cast your net wide. Something good will come back.". So I did.
I looked at pictures and read profiles. I wanted to find the man in the picture attractive but I didn't limit myself to a certain hair color or number of kids or anything. Personality, emotional connection, ability to communicate are more important to me at this stage of the game. I was BOLD! I found some men that seemed interesting to me and I reached out to them. I sent them "smiles".
One in particular was MagicMan007. He wasn't what I would immediately have looked at previously...he was BALD!! But his profile intrigued me and I "smiled" at him. Apparently, he got notifications on his phone and he was immediately notified that someone had "smiled" at him. He was working out of town and only had his phone with him at the time. He saw that I was online and sent me an instant message. The interface on his phone with ldssingles.com was terrible and we were having a hard time communicating. He asked if he could connect up again with me that evening when he got back to his hotel and had access to his laptop. I readily agreed and we got offline.
I joined ldssingles.com on April 10, 2013.
I "smiled" at MagicMan007 on April 12, 2013.
I am a slow learner...
Fast forward to April 2013. I have been divorced for almost 3 years. I had just gotten out of a complicated, long-distance relationship about 4 months previous. I was healing and re-evaluating what I wanted in my life. I knew I wanted to date. I knew I wanted to get married again. The first time I got on ldssingles.com, I met some great friends. I went on some interesting dates. I almost never said no and if the date was okay, I always agreed to a second date. (It is too hard to get a clear idea of someone on a first date.) So, now I find myself on the precipice of dating again. I got back on ldssingles.com and I vividly remember thinking to myself, "Cast your net wide. Something good will come back.". So I did.
I looked at pictures and read profiles. I wanted to find the man in the picture attractive but I didn't limit myself to a certain hair color or number of kids or anything. Personality, emotional connection, ability to communicate are more important to me at this stage of the game. I was BOLD! I found some men that seemed interesting to me and I reached out to them. I sent them "smiles".
One in particular was MagicMan007. He wasn't what I would immediately have looked at previously...he was BALD!! But his profile intrigued me and I "smiled" at him. Apparently, he got notifications on his phone and he was immediately notified that someone had "smiled" at him. He was working out of town and only had his phone with him at the time. He saw that I was online and sent me an instant message. The interface on his phone with ldssingles.com was terrible and we were having a hard time communicating. He asked if he could connect up again with me that evening when he got back to his hotel and had access to his laptop. I readily agreed and we got offline.
I joined ldssingles.com on April 10, 2013.
I "smiled" at MagicMan007 on April 12, 2013.
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