Our marathon date on April 13 was awesome! Throughout the night, we made references to the our pasts and why we were divorced but didn't dig too deep. Zane kept saying, "When I know you better and you are ready to see me cry, I will tell you all about it." I wasn't coming into this with my eyes shut. I am 41 years old and I am divorced. Most people at my age who are divorced are divorced for a reason. And it isn't just one person's fault. It takes two to get divorced. I knew I had faults and struggles and was part of my own divorce. It would be unfair of me to think that Zane would have no baggage or be completely innocent in HIS divorce. Of course we would cry as we talked about broken marriages and families. Those aren't reasons to rejoice.
I know we all make mistakes. In my dating experiences, I looked for one thing...what direction are they heading? Are they heading towards God or away?
About 3am, Zane and I were still sitting in the parking lot of IHOP talking. He had made some references to his past. I finally stopped him from saying anything else and I asked him two questions that, I believe, were put into my mind to ask him. I felt inspired. This is how the conversation went...
Me: Can I ask you a question?
Zane: Sure.
Me: Did you ever serve time in jail?
Zane: Yes, I did.
Me: Are you currently a member of the Church?
Zane: No, I am not.
Then he followed that up with, "Buckle up, it's about to get good."
For the next few hours we talked about his life. The mistakes he had made and the consequences that followed. He held NOTHING back. I heard all of it. He may have missed a detail or two but I heard as much as he could share.
He says that I kept trying to get closer and closer to my door as he spilled his guts but I don't think that is true. I listened. And felt at peace. I was so impressed with the way he was trying to overcome the challenges and struggles in his life. He was arrested. He was served divorce papers. He was ex-communicated. All in a short amount of time. Then the waiting period for the trial. The verdict? Go to jail for a year, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Through it all, his TESTIMONY did not falter. His love for God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, DID NOT falter. The shame he felt. The sadness he felt. The anger he felt. I can't even imagine all of those feelings. Yet, Zane never gave up.
He finished his story by saying he had a great time on our date and he would completely understand if I never wanted to see him again. He was grateful to have met me and he had a wonderful time. Maybe we could be friends.
I just looked at him and asked him this simple question...
Me: "Do you believe in the Atonement?"
Zane: "Of course, I do."
Me: "So do I."
I have an unfaltering testimony of my Savior and what He did for all of us while He was here on this Earth. He overcame all of our weaknesses. We aren't meant for failure here but we ARE here to learn. Some of us have bigger lessons to learn than others. But as long as we get up, learn from our trials, and continually move closer to our Heavenly Father, we are on the right path. Grace is good. The Atonement is real. With all of his mistakes, Zane was the first man I dated who was on the right path and committed to staying on it. He impressed me.
He was exactly who I wanted to link arms with and move forward in life. We have the same eternal perspective and I am grateful. I know he is sad to be where he is at. It's true that there are blessings that we can't have right now in our lives. We can't be sealed together for eternity. But we will. I have no doubts.
I am grateful he chose me to share this path with him. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have him in my life.
Isn't it such a fluke? No, I like to call it FATE.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Shame
One of the most profound days of my life was the day I was sentenced to a year in jail. It was the beginning of something that I didn't expect. It was one of the hardest years of my life. It was when I realized that It couldn’t matter to me anymore what anyone else thought. And I didn’t realize it back then, that the Lord would use me, to show me the incredible love He had for me.
I recently spoke with a young girl that has broken the law of chastity. She is distraught. I have friends that struggle with addiction. To them, and to all the people that have really messed up in life, the drug addicts, the prostitutes, the gang members, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and everyone else I know... the people in the church and outside of the church that have made mistakes. To the boys and girls who didn’t say no before marriage, who have heard the messages out there on saving yourself for marriage, and staying pure, and you feel like you just want to run because you have already crossed the line… and you feel marked…and you think there is no turning back…let me speak this truth to you: Jesus does NOT condemn you.
He came to rescue you and restore you, and he will meet you right in the middle of your mess. No matter what kind of mess or how big that mess may be. He will meet you in the middle if you let him. It does NOT matter how messy you have made your life. As one who made his life messier than most, I know this to be true... To my dear little friend who broke the law of chastity, I would say...
You need to remember that it is only by his cleansing blood that you are truly pure. Saving yourself for marriage will not make you right with God. (It is a sign of obedience to Gods commandments), But ONLY trusting Jesus’ atonement for ALL of the ways you have sinned against him will make you right with the Lord. And crazy as it sounds…he is counting on using your past sins for your good if you are his child! They are never wasted.
Maybe you have messed up so many times that you think there is just no way Jesus could forgive you. Or maybe you think if you just feel bad enough and stay away from certain people things will change and God will eventually feel better about you and accept you. But nothing could be further from the truth. Do you know how many accounts there are of women in the Bible that the world thought of very low worth, very sinful women, that Jesus pursued in love? Do you know He says that he takes great delight in his daughters? And rejoices over you? That is how the Lord loves you…in all your mess…in all your sin and shame.
If you are like me, you will have to battle to believe this on a daily basis. You may fight the battle of not only accusations you are telling yourself, but also the accusations you hear from others. But this is when we have to remember that this is exactly the path that Jesus took to save us!
He died the death we deserved to die.
He lived the perfect life we never could.
Jesus was on trial; the world was judge and jury. And this was the path that Jesus chose as the way to rescue the shamed. The path he chose to rescue ME and YOU!
The atonement is the best and quickest summary of what God says to unworthy people. He always says, ‘I love you’ first.
Tell those promises to yourself, daily! Remind yourself of them. I know the shame I have had as a person that made a mess of his life. I know how the Lord has redeemed my life and has shown me a life with Christ, rather than without. Every one of us has experienced shame in some way. It resonates deeply in all of us at some level. And shame had been a close companion of mine for most of my life. It started way before I became a single dad who was jailed and excommunicated.
Fathers Day the year I got out of jail was hard. I was at church and I knew during the service they were going to have all of the fathers stand up and have the kids in Young Mens and Young Womens come up to the front and get a chocolate or something to give to their dads. I was so uncomfortable with it. I was so thankful that my baby Quinn had started crying and I had an excuse to leave the service and basically go hide. A few minutes later…there I stood in the back of the church, and my son came up to me with a chocolate candy bar in his hands, excited for me to have it. Of course I took it and hugged him and allowed him to have that moment to honor me like that. Though inside, I felt completely undeserving of that attention. That boy didn’t know his dad like I knew him.
It has been said that Most people who know shame are horribly uncomfortable with the idea of receiving honor. I didn’t know it that Father’s Day but shame had followed me since I was a young man. There it was twenty five years later standing there right with me, looking me in the eye in that church service.
We all have this self ideal of who we think we should be. When we fall short of that, we feel shame. And of course we fall short, because we are sinners. Our innocence was taken from us because of the fall. Because of our rebellion, that innocence and honor has dissolved.
The Lord Jesus Christ knows every dark crevice of our heart. And just like the father of the prodigal son, he says, “I know what you’ve done. I know where you’ve been. I am so happy you have come home! We need to celebrate!” It almost feels scandalous and undeserving, doesn’t it? It’s too over the top! We can’t handle that are we are delighted in from someone who knows everything about us.
There was a time in my life where I absolutely could not believe that God could love me. I knew the gospel in my head. I preached the atonement to my kids. But it didn’t feel like enough for me. I remember telling the Lord time and time again, “Lord, YOU have to make me believe this. I can hardly believe this and do it myself.” He answered that prayer by stripping me of the enjoyment of every prideful thing in my life, and gave me the gift of “coming to my senses”.
“And when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. Make me as one of thy hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father.”
And then what did the Lord do when I came to him?
"But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said unto him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.’ But the father said to his servants,‘Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring hither the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and be merry. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to be merry."
Those who struggle with deep shame can find this the most awkward. Celebrating me? In my mind, being a servant seems so much more comfortable! I’ll take the back door into his kingdom. I’ll be the wall flower and watch the party going on. I’ll serve the wine while everyone else sits at the table feasting. That’s the role I am most comfortable with.
To those that struggle I would repeat a quote: “There is no gate that says, “Second class, enter here.” If you want Jesus, you must be willing to accept the honor that goes with the relationship. God has honored you. The gospel is the story of how he did it… We never thought he would come down off the throne, willingly become our servant, and serve us all the way to the cross.”
Some days it still feels like I have accidentally walked into someone else’s life. Grace just feels so ridiculous. Like Dorothy walking into the land of Oz…out of the black and white of her life and entering this whole new world of color. It’s beautiful and amazing… yet scary and strange. How do I deserve a loving wife and acceptance? I don't. But I know that the shame that has come from sin is swallowed up in my Savior, and it isn't really about me. It is about HIM.
Oh, the freedom of knowing it isn’t about us! Of knowing each time I come back to my Father when I have sinned, that he only feels compassion for me. That when I call out for help, I am honoring him. I am guessing that I will continue to feel shame, but I will do my best to not let it engulf me like it has in the past. I am so thankful that one day soon, shame will vanish completely.
He came to rescue you and restore you, and he will meet you right in the middle of your mess. No matter what kind of mess or how big that mess may be. He will meet you in the middle if you let him. It does NOT matter how messy you have made your life. As one who made his life messier than most, I know this to be true... To my dear little friend who broke the law of chastity, I would say...
You need to remember that it is only by his cleansing blood that you are truly pure. Saving yourself for marriage will not make you right with God. (It is a sign of obedience to Gods commandments), But ONLY trusting Jesus’ atonement for ALL of the ways you have sinned against him will make you right with the Lord. And crazy as it sounds…he is counting on using your past sins for your good if you are his child! They are never wasted.
Maybe you have messed up so many times that you think there is just no way Jesus could forgive you. Or maybe you think if you just feel bad enough and stay away from certain people things will change and God will eventually feel better about you and accept you. But nothing could be further from the truth. Do you know how many accounts there are of women in the Bible that the world thought of very low worth, very sinful women, that Jesus pursued in love? Do you know He says that he takes great delight in his daughters? And rejoices over you? That is how the Lord loves you…in all your mess…in all your sin and shame.
If you are like me, you will have to battle to believe this on a daily basis. You may fight the battle of not only accusations you are telling yourself, but also the accusations you hear from others. But this is when we have to remember that this is exactly the path that Jesus took to save us!
He died the death we deserved to die.
He lived the perfect life we never could.
Jesus was on trial; the world was judge and jury. And this was the path that Jesus chose as the way to rescue the shamed. The path he chose to rescue ME and YOU!
The atonement is the best and quickest summary of what God says to unworthy people. He always says, ‘I love you’ first.
Tell those promises to yourself, daily! Remind yourself of them. I know the shame I have had as a person that made a mess of his life. I know how the Lord has redeemed my life and has shown me a life with Christ, rather than without. Every one of us has experienced shame in some way. It resonates deeply in all of us at some level. And shame had been a close companion of mine for most of my life. It started way before I became a single dad who was jailed and excommunicated.
Fathers Day the year I got out of jail was hard. I was at church and I knew during the service they were going to have all of the fathers stand up and have the kids in Young Mens and Young Womens come up to the front and get a chocolate or something to give to their dads. I was so uncomfortable with it. I was so thankful that my baby Quinn had started crying and I had an excuse to leave the service and basically go hide. A few minutes later…there I stood in the back of the church, and my son came up to me with a chocolate candy bar in his hands, excited for me to have it. Of course I took it and hugged him and allowed him to have that moment to honor me like that. Though inside, I felt completely undeserving of that attention. That boy didn’t know his dad like I knew him.
It has been said that Most people who know shame are horribly uncomfortable with the idea of receiving honor. I didn’t know it that Father’s Day but shame had followed me since I was a young man. There it was twenty five years later standing there right with me, looking me in the eye in that church service.
We all have this self ideal of who we think we should be. When we fall short of that, we feel shame. And of course we fall short, because we are sinners. Our innocence was taken from us because of the fall. Because of our rebellion, that innocence and honor has dissolved.
The Lord Jesus Christ knows every dark crevice of our heart. And just like the father of the prodigal son, he says, “I know what you’ve done. I know where you’ve been. I am so happy you have come home! We need to celebrate!” It almost feels scandalous and undeserving, doesn’t it? It’s too over the top! We can’t handle that are we are delighted in from someone who knows everything about us.
There was a time in my life where I absolutely could not believe that God could love me. I knew the gospel in my head. I preached the atonement to my kids. But it didn’t feel like enough for me. I remember telling the Lord time and time again, “Lord, YOU have to make me believe this. I can hardly believe this and do it myself.” He answered that prayer by stripping me of the enjoyment of every prideful thing in my life, and gave me the gift of “coming to my senses”.
“And when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. Make me as one of thy hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father.”
And then what did the Lord do when I came to him?
"But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said unto him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.’ But the father said to his servants,‘Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring hither the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and be merry. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to be merry."
Those who struggle with deep shame can find this the most awkward. Celebrating me? In my mind, being a servant seems so much more comfortable! I’ll take the back door into his kingdom. I’ll be the wall flower and watch the party going on. I’ll serve the wine while everyone else sits at the table feasting. That’s the role I am most comfortable with.
To those that struggle I would repeat a quote: “There is no gate that says, “Second class, enter here.” If you want Jesus, you must be willing to accept the honor that goes with the relationship. God has honored you. The gospel is the story of how he did it… We never thought he would come down off the throne, willingly become our servant, and serve us all the way to the cross.”
Some days it still feels like I have accidentally walked into someone else’s life. Grace just feels so ridiculous. Like Dorothy walking into the land of Oz…out of the black and white of her life and entering this whole new world of color. It’s beautiful and amazing… yet scary and strange. How do I deserve a loving wife and acceptance? I don't. But I know that the shame that has come from sin is swallowed up in my Savior, and it isn't really about me. It is about HIM.
Oh, the freedom of knowing it isn’t about us! Of knowing each time I come back to my Father when I have sinned, that he only feels compassion for me. That when I call out for help, I am honoring him. I am guessing that I will continue to feel shame, but I will do my best to not let it engulf me like it has in the past. I am so thankful that one day soon, shame will vanish completely.
Linking Arms
I have said many times that marriage is hard. I don't really care if it is your first marriage to your high school sweet heart, or your 6th marriage to that millionaire that you just found on millionairesingles.com. (Not a real website btw. I know, I looked.) But when you are putting two people together that have kids, and past relationships, and past spouses, the stakes are a touch higher. DeShelle and I both came into this marriage with our eyes pretty wide open. Both of us came with scars and hurts. We came with expectations that came with previous relationships and previous marriages. Some of which may not be healthy, but for the most part we did a pretty good job of being candid about what we wanted in a spouse. Hence the title of this post. I wanted someone to link arms with me and move forward. Whatever that meant.
This past month we have turned into hotel Gray, which was the artist formerly known as hotel DeShelle. Mind you, I love all of DeShelle's friends. I love their kids, and I love to entertain. Are there moments that it is a bit much... of course there is. But I just want to take a minute and brag about my lovely wife. This is one of the things that I love about her. She sucks at saying "no" just as much as I do. :) And the truth is.... I don't want her to say no. I love that people want to be with us. At one point we had 17 people staying with us. But it was great. We made it work. And if it is one thing that I have realized about marriage, it is that it is work. You link arms, and you go forward together.
I have had the opportunity to get to know people and their children. I have seen the heartache that others feel for their kids just as I feel for mine. I have seen DeShelle shine. I have seen her give advice and encouragement to those that need a lifting hand. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. I have seen and know first hand that wickedness never was happiness. I know the pain of sin. I worry constantly that I am not good enough. I am in awe each day that a woman like DeShelle would want to link arms with me and head the right direction. In a recent conversation with one of our friends, we were discussing parenting. Because let's face it, we have 8 GREAT kids. Here are the simple rules to how we manage this thing called second marriage, which I think makes us pretty awesome parents!
1. We always link arms. We are united. Do we always agree? Yep. Kidding... Of course we don't always agree. Neither do the 12 apostles, but when a decision is made, we don't undermine each other. We run with it, arms linked.
2. We talk. I will be the first to say that I am a terrible communicator at times. But we talk. And when we talk, we talk it through. Communicating is the one thing that is so important. Without communication, we would be torn apart by 5 teens and 3 almost teens. So communication is critical.
3. We lead by example. We go to church. We read our scriptures as a family and individually. We pray together. We respect each other. We WORK on it. Whatever "it" is at the moment. We work on our relationship, but mostly we lead from the front.
4. We are committed to doing what is right. Are we perfect? Not even close. But at the end of the day, we are committed to doing the right thing. My children, my wife, and my Father in Heaven all deserve someone that is trying to do what is right. I have plenty of excuses not to do the right thing. No one would fault me for not going to church. I am not even a member, and I haven't been for over 4 years. But I show up each Sunday. Why? Because I am committed to doing what is right. Plain and simple.
5. We keep eternity in mind. DeShelle does this better than me. I stink at this. I am lucky because if she didn't have an eternal perspective, then why would she be with me? She wouldn't. I can't give her the things she deserves today and that KILLS me. But she has hope for the eternal plan of our Father. I love her so much for that. What a great gift that is to me. I don't know if I would have enough faith to see someone as they can become and not as they are. Keeping an eternal perspective on all things makes life much better. It makes you slower to anger, less fragile, and more likely to forgive. We would all do well to take a lesson from DeShelle on this one.
There are many more things that we do to make our marriage work, but these are 5 simple rules that we strive to live by each day. I love that I get to share my crazy life with DeShelle and 8 amazingly crazy children. I am truly the luckiest man alive.
This past month we have turned into hotel Gray, which was the artist formerly known as hotel DeShelle. Mind you, I love all of DeShelle's friends. I love their kids, and I love to entertain. Are there moments that it is a bit much... of course there is. But I just want to take a minute and brag about my lovely wife. This is one of the things that I love about her. She sucks at saying "no" just as much as I do. :) And the truth is.... I don't want her to say no. I love that people want to be with us. At one point we had 17 people staying with us. But it was great. We made it work. And if it is one thing that I have realized about marriage, it is that it is work. You link arms, and you go forward together.
I have had the opportunity to get to know people and their children. I have seen the heartache that others feel for their kids just as I feel for mine. I have seen DeShelle shine. I have seen her give advice and encouragement to those that need a lifting hand. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. I have seen and know first hand that wickedness never was happiness. I know the pain of sin. I worry constantly that I am not good enough. I am in awe each day that a woman like DeShelle would want to link arms with me and head the right direction. In a recent conversation with one of our friends, we were discussing parenting. Because let's face it, we have 8 GREAT kids. Here are the simple rules to how we manage this thing called second marriage, which I think makes us pretty awesome parents!
1. We always link arms. We are united. Do we always agree? Yep. Kidding... Of course we don't always agree. Neither do the 12 apostles, but when a decision is made, we don't undermine each other. We run with it, arms linked.
2. We talk. I will be the first to say that I am a terrible communicator at times. But we talk. And when we talk, we talk it through. Communicating is the one thing that is so important. Without communication, we would be torn apart by 5 teens and 3 almost teens. So communication is critical.
3. We lead by example. We go to church. We read our scriptures as a family and individually. We pray together. We respect each other. We WORK on it. Whatever "it" is at the moment. We work on our relationship, but mostly we lead from the front.
4. We are committed to doing what is right. Are we perfect? Not even close. But at the end of the day, we are committed to doing the right thing. My children, my wife, and my Father in Heaven all deserve someone that is trying to do what is right. I have plenty of excuses not to do the right thing. No one would fault me for not going to church. I am not even a member, and I haven't been for over 4 years. But I show up each Sunday. Why? Because I am committed to doing what is right. Plain and simple.
5. We keep eternity in mind. DeShelle does this better than me. I stink at this. I am lucky because if she didn't have an eternal perspective, then why would she be with me? She wouldn't. I can't give her the things she deserves today and that KILLS me. But she has hope for the eternal plan of our Father. I love her so much for that. What a great gift that is to me. I don't know if I would have enough faith to see someone as they can become and not as they are. Keeping an eternal perspective on all things makes life much better. It makes you slower to anger, less fragile, and more likely to forgive. We would all do well to take a lesson from DeShelle on this one.
There are many more things that we do to make our marriage work, but these are 5 simple rules that we strive to live by each day. I love that I get to share my crazy life with DeShelle and 8 amazingly crazy children. I am truly the luckiest man alive.
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