4 years ago we met...

We went back to the place where it all began!

 It's cliche to say it but "time flies"!

 I can't believe 4 years have passed since that first meeting at The Melting Pot. Four years later, my life is better than I could have dreamed. I am so grateful for this man in my life. We laugh everyday! He makes me feel like I am the most important person in his world and is even willing to give up a golf game or two to hang out with me. He gets me. He's patient with me. He loves me through all my crazy moments. He likes to kiss me and other stuff. I'm so grateful to have him in my life. There are moments that I am so overwhelmed with love that it frightens me. I can't imagine life without him. I am so very, very grateful for this man.

Three years later...

It's been over 3 years since I met Zane and went on our epic first date. We had an unknown road ahead for us but I think we have done a pretty good job. Look at these kids...they love and support each other in a way that has surprised me. Blending families is difficult but we have been truly blessed with amazing kids. We have graduated 3 from high school, we are sending one off on an LDS mission and sending another on a humanitarian trip to Kenya.  We have 5 drivers, high insurance rates, a new bicycle rider, lots of first dates, concerts, plays, a 2500-mile family road-trip in a 15-passenger van, senior trips to Palmyra and Boston, and countless other experiences with this family of ours. It has been an awesome 3 years and I'm excited to see what other adventures are ahead for us. 

Meeting his kids...

I got to meet the little one first. Zane came to my work to take me to lunch and he had his littlest with him. She was 3 at the time, about to turn 4. What a cutie! However, I just kept thinking, "My youngest is almost 11!! I am past this little kid stage. Could I go back? Do I WANT to go back?" It was something to think about and consider as Zane and I continued to get to know each other.

We went to the Chic-Fil-A in the mall so that she would get her chicken nuggets. She was super cute and even reached over to hold my hand while we walked to our table. We sat and visited and when Zane asked her a usual question, he got an unusual answer. He asked, "Who's my princess?" Expecting the usual answer of "I am!", he instead got a finger pointed at ME. I was feeling like Zane's princess but what an intuitive moment by a toddler to figure it out.

She hooked me. I really liked her. I knew there were still more kids to meet and hurdles to jump but my fear of little kids was dissipating. We could do this!

The morning after the best first-date weekend...

This was delivered to me at work on Monday morning. I was a bit tired after staying up all-night Saturday night and not getting to bed early on Sunday night. Best follow-up delivery...

Meeting the kids...

Sunday was rough. I was so tired. We had stayed up all night talking and I was emotionally and physically spent. But there was no time for a nap. I needed to be in Church with my kids.

I love Church. I love the people in my congregation. I love that it has a smaller youth program so that my kids can be heavily involved. They give a talk at least once a year and when they aren't there, people notice. I appreciate that. After my divorce, I clung to my ward. I needed the stability and love from the people for myself and for my kids. I was a wreck. I tried very hard to keep my kids from seeing that but inside I was a wreck. I leaned heavily on the amazing people in my ward to show consistent love and acceptance of my family when I wasn't so sure I could do it. They were all amazing and I am truly grateful for that blessing. Every ward should be this wonderful.

After church, I needed to head to Spanish Fork to return a truck I had borrowed from my brother. My new 16-year old son/driver was going to follow me and bring me home. Zane and I had been texting throughout the day and when I mentioned my plans, he was quick to suggest that he meet me in Spanish Fork and bring me home. Hmmm, I hesitated slightly. I just met this guy and he wants to bring me home to my HOUSE? He will know where I LIVE? I liked the guy, I was falling for him. But what if he really was an AX MURDERER??

But that was just a fleeting thought. I was excited to see him again. So, yes, he can bring me home.

Zane met my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew that day. We still tease about the impression he made on them. I think we were all a little nervous and there were some funny jokes told that we still talk about.

On the way home, I expressed my anxiety about him meeting my kids. I wasn't sure if I was ready. My kids knew I dated and occassionally even participated in it. We had fun together scrolling through on-line profiles, chatting online, and they even joined me on a few dates. I didn't want to hide the fact that I was dating but I also didn't want to parade a bunch of guys in front of them either. I think I found a good balance. I guess I will find out when I see the therapy bills they will all need in the future.

I REALLY liked Zane and I knew my kids would like him too. He came into the house, performed a few magic tricks for my kids, and they were hooked. I'm sure the "turning a one-dollar bill into a twenty" helped with the first impression, too. Zane was so great with them. For a guy who professes to HATE kids (as do I, so I can totally relate), he hit it off well with my kids.

The next day, I told my kids that I was really interested in Zane and I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. This is how my youngest reacted...

Me: I think I want to start dating Zane exclusively. What do you think?

Shane: The Magician??

Me: Yes.

Shane: (pumping fist into the air) YES!!

I think they were okay with it. Time would only tell how things would turn out but I liked what I knew of Zane and I wanted to see what could come out of it. He is a great guy and I felt spiritually at peace with my decision to move forward with the relationship. I am a big believer of Fruits.

3rd Nephi 14:16-17: "Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit."

I was willing to invest the time to see what our fruits could be. I was excited for the adventure.

Linking Arms

I have said many times that marriage is hard.  I don't really care if it is your first marriage to your high school sweet heart, or your 6th marriage to that millionaire that you just found on millionairesingles.com.  (Not a real website btw.  I know, I looked.)   But when you are putting two people together that have kids, and past relationships, and past spouses, the stakes are a touch higher.  DeShelle and I both came into this marriage with our eyes pretty wide open.  Both of us came with scars and hurts.  We came with expectations that came with previous relationships and previous marriages.  Some of which may not be healthy, but for the most part we did a pretty good job of being candid about what we wanted in a spouse.  Hence the title of this post.  I wanted someone to link arms with me and move forward.  Whatever that meant.

This past month we have turned into hotel Gray, which was the artist formerly known as hotel DeShelle.  Mind you, I love all of DeShelle's friends.  I love their kids, and I love to entertain.  Are there moments that it is a bit much... of course there is.  But I just want to take a minute and brag about my lovely wife.  This is one of the things that I love about her.  She sucks at saying "no" just as much as I do.  :)  And the truth is.... I don't want her to say no.  I love that people want to be with us.  At one point we had 17 people staying with us.  But it was great.  We made it work.  And if it is one thing that I have realized about marriage, it is that it is work.  You link arms, and you go forward together.

I have had the opportunity to get to know people and their children.  I have seen the heartache that others feel for their kids just as I feel for mine.  I have seen DeShelle shine.  I have seen her give advice and encouragement to those that need a lifting hand.  I have made plenty of mistakes in my life.  I have seen and know first hand that wickedness never was happiness.  I know the pain of sin.  I worry constantly that I am not good enough.  I am in awe each day that a woman like DeShelle would want to link arms with me and head the right direction.  In a recent conversation with one of our friends, we were discussing parenting.  Because let's face it, we have 8 GREAT kids.  Here are the simple rules to how we manage this thing called second marriage, which I think makes us pretty awesome parents!

1.  We always link arms.  We are united.  Do we always agree?  Yep.  Kidding...  Of course we don't always agree.  Neither do the 12 apostles, but when a decision is made, we don't undermine each other.  We run with it, arms linked.

2.  We talk.  I will be the first to say that I am a terrible communicator at times.  But we talk.  And when we talk, we talk it through.  Communicating is the one thing that is so important.  Without communication, we would be torn apart by 5 teens and 3 almost teens.  So communication is critical.

3.  We lead by example.  We go to church.  We read our scriptures as a family and individually.  We pray together.  We respect each other.  We WORK on it.  Whatever "it" is at the moment.  We work on our relationship, but mostly we lead from the front.

4.  We are committed to doing what is right.  Are we perfect?  Not even close.  But at the end of the day, we are committed to doing the right thing.  My children, my wife, and my Father in Heaven all deserve someone that is trying to do what is right.  I have plenty of excuses not to do the right thing.  No one would fault me for not going to church.  I am not even a member, and I haven't been for over 4 years.  But I show up each Sunday.  Why?  Because I am committed to doing what is right.  Plain and simple.

5.  We keep eternity in mind.   DeShelle does this better than me.  I stink at this.  I am lucky because if she didn't have an eternal perspective, then why would she be with me?  She wouldn't.  I can't give her the things she deserves today and that KILLS me.  But she has hope for the eternal plan of our Father.  I love her so much for that.  What a great gift that is to me.  I don't know if I would have enough faith to see someone as they can become and not as they are.  Keeping an eternal perspective on all things makes life much better.  It makes you slower to anger, less fragile, and more likely to forgive.  We would all do well to take a lesson from DeShelle on this one.

There are many more things that we do to make our marriage work, but these are 5 simple rules that we strive to live by each day.  I love that I get to share my crazy life with DeShelle and 8 amazingly crazy children.  I am truly the luckiest man alive.

Marathon first date...

We stayed up all night talking...

ALL NIGHT!!

It was the best first-date I have ever been on. The conversation flowed so well. We laughed, we teased, we flirted, we exchanged stories, we did magic tricks. The time at The Melting Pot went by so fast. We shut the place down. When the workers brought out the brooms, we knew it was time to end the date.

Zane walked me outside, gave me a proper hug (no handshake this time), and sent me on my way with plans to get in touch again soon.

I was driving home and at a stop light decided to send him a text telling him I had a good time. This is how the conversation went...

Me: I had a great time tonight. It was great meeting you.

Zane: I had a great time as well. Can't wait to see you again.

Me: You know IHOP is open 24/7.

Zane: I like the way you think.

We met up a few minutes later at the IHOP in Murray. We weren't hungry but thought we could sit at a table and continue our conversation. We walked into the restaurant. Do you know what kind of people hang out at IHOP at midnight on a Saturday night? We didn't want to get caught in any crossfire between gangs so instead we went back to his truck.

We sat in the parking lot of IHOP and talked from midnight to 9am! It was amazing. And NO, there was NO making-out!! There was a sweet kiss about 2am when he showed a magic trick and "accidentally" dropped the card and we both reached down to pick it up. I was falling for this guy pretty quick. There was just something about him.

He kept making references to the baggage in his past and when he knew me better and we were both ready for a good cry, he would tell me all about it. Of course he has baggage, we are divorced. I have it too. I didn't start dating with an unrealistic idea that everything would be perfect. We are divorced for a reason. My belief was that I needed to find someone who would accept my baggage and I could accept his. We just needed to fit together and be willing to stick it out, no matter what.

About 9am, I told him I needed to go. I have to get to church. He had to get to church. We hugged, we shared another quick, sweet kiss and parted ways.

I WAS IN LOVE!!

We had shared thoughts, feelings, testimonies, and experiences throughout the night. I felt the confirmation of the Spirit that this could really be a good thing, if we worked hard at it. I saw eternal glimpses in this man that were overwhelming. He is such an amazing person. He has been in the pits of despair and stayed close to Heavenly Father, the only relationship that could get Zane through it all. He impressed me. I was excited to see what could happen.

Sunday, April 14: I couldn't wait to see him again.

We met!

On Saturday, April 13 we met.

We texted throughout the day. I was at my son's soccer game, he was working out of town. He would tell me when he got a sale, I would tell him when my son scored. Conversation was fun and I was really looking forward to our date.

He suggested that we meet for dinner at 8pm at The Melting Pot in downtown Salt Lake City. I was impressed that he suggested such a venue but also a little nervous. This wasn't a 20-minute meet-for-cocoa first date. Dinner at The Melting Pot can take quite a while. There are so many courses. What if the conversation lagged? What if we didn't get along in person? Online personas can translate very differently in reality. That is why I have never been a fan of long-distance relationships and I was surprised how many people in the "singles world" considered themselves committed to a person they had never physically met. I couldn't do it. I need to know you. I need to hear the jokes and comments in person. I need to hear it and see it in HIS voice. I was pretty quick to agree to dates when I met someone online. The online dating site is only the venue, the vehicle to meet someone. The relationship needs to happen in person for me.

I was excited to meet MagicMan007 or Z Phillip or whatever his name was.

At 8pm, I arrived at The Melting Pot and was greeted by a good-looking bald man who stood from the waiting bench to shake my hand. I always chuckle at that greeting. He SHOOK my hand! I know it was our first time meeting, I realize it was his first date since his divorce, but a HAND SHAKE? We had hit it off in our conversations. I thought a quick hug would have been in order. I just teased him a bit about it. It felt so comfortable immediately.

Side note...this is why I made him a contributor to the blog. We need both perspectives. :)

As he stuck out his hand he said, "Hi, I'm Zane."

We sat for a minute and talked baseball while we waited for our table. He likes the Braves, I like any other team but the Braves. He checked his Fantasy Baseball line-up, I teased him about it. It wasn't like any other first date. It felt so comfortable.

We were called to our table and he led the way. Oh man, I loved the way he walked. Is that weird? It might be a little weird but the way a person walks is very telling to me. He was attractive, he dressed nice, he had a great, athletic walk...I had high hopes for the evening.

About 45 minutes into our date, Zane gets a text from his friend to see how it was going. Zane must have been enjoying himself because there didn't turn out to be a "family emergency". We laughed about that. I joked that I was going to do it but HE REALLY DID IT!

April 13, 2013: I knew my future was changing for the better.

We should meet...

It was getting late and MagicMan007 had to work early the next morning. We needed to wrap up our IM session on ldssingles.com. This is close to  how the conversation went:

MagicMan007: This has been fun. I don't know protocol of online dating so I am not sure what to do next.

deshelleb: We should meet.

MagicMan007: I don't have my kids tomorrow night. How about dinner?

deshelleb: That sounds great.

MagicMan007: Why don't I pick you up around 7:30pm?

deshelleb: Woah, back up, AX MURDERER! You obviously don't know protocol. How about instead of you picking me up, where I live (so that you know where to come back to kidnap and kill me), we meet in a well-lit place with lots of people around. About 20 minutes into the date, I will get a text from a good friend asking if things are okay. If I think you are weird, I will have a "family emergency" and we will both know what that means.

MagicMan007: Well, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I will also have a friend text me 20 minutes into the date and if YOU are weird, I will have a "family emergency" and we will both know what that means.

Finally, he was figuring out protocol of the online dating scene.

But I still didn't know his name...

deshelleb: So, I don't even know your real name.

MagicMan007: Do you want my stage name, what my mom calls me, or what my friends call me?

deshelleb: I guess I will go with what your mom calls you.

MagicMan007: Z Phillip

deshelleb: Okay, Z Phillip, I will see you tomorrow night. I am looking forward to it.



April 13, 2013: We had our first date.

Chatting for hours...

True to his word, MagicMan007 got back on ldssingles.com that Friday night when he got back to his hotel room. I learned later that he faked exhaustion to his co-workers so he could get back to his room to talk to me. I was already online chatting with some other fellows. I wanted to stick to my plan of "casting my net wide." Two of the conversations I was having were not interesting to me. One guy lived in Alaska and the other was struggling to have a conversation with me. It was like pulling teeth. There was another who seemed nice enough and we made arrangements to go on a date in two weeks. But then MagicMan007 got online and the conversation was so FUN! He was witty, entertaining, confident, and charming. The conversation just FLOWED. We had so much fun chatting.

Side note...I need to mention this part of the story because it pertains to something that happens later...

My kids were all with their dad that night but at some point every single one of them stopped by to get clothes or hairspray or shoes or something. They asked what I was doing, I told them. They have laughed at my escapades and I didn't keep my online dating a secret. I wanted them to know what I was doing and learning. They got a kick out of these "old" people using technology to connect. That is something just for the young kids.

This particular night, my oldest was on a first date. He stopped by after the date to grab stuff and let me know how it went. He had a great time. Then he told me why he went on that first date. He already had plans to take this girl to the Prom the next weekend. He told me that he wanted the option to kiss her good night but you CAN'T KISS on the FIRST DATE so he was getting it out of the way the weekend before. What a SLY little dog!! Smart thinking on his part. (To his credit, he had a great time at Prom but did NOT kiss the girl goodnight. Good for him!)

After he left, I told MagicMan007 what I had just heard from my son...we got a good chuckle out of it and that led to more conversation. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing out loud at the conversation I was having with this man. I was interested. At some point during our conversation, I asked him to send me another photo of himself. He had only posted one on his profile and you just CAN'T get a good idea of someone with just one picture. His buddy took a picture and sent it over. I was a little confused! He did NOT look like the picture on his profile. I put the pictures side-by-side. I guess there was some similarities in there. I still found him handsome. He still intrigued me.

We talked for hours. I think we finally got off around midnight and there was not one boring moment. Getting back on ldssingles.com seemed like the right decision to make and I am grateful I was prompted to do it. I think Heavenly Father had his hand in this. Or else it was just a really weird COINCIDENCE.

Don't be quick to judge...

I remember the first time it happened in the 9th grade. I had switched schools in the middle of the school year and was nervous about starting a new school. I had a few friends in the school but I didn't know anyone in my Biology class. I walked into the class, took a look around, and quickly assessed the situation. I don't want to sit by THAT person, they don't look smart. I don't want to sit by THAT person, they look too smart. I quickly made many judgements and tried to find the best seat. I don't remember who I sat by but I remember realizing that I misjudged them. Heavenly Father was trying to teach me a lesson. It has happened again and again in my life as I try to make my way in this world. Almost every single time, I have thought to myself, "Shellee, you shouldn't be so quick to judge. Everyone has something positive to contribute. Don't be so hasty." 

I am a slow learner...

Fast forward to April 2013. I have been divorced for almost 3 years. I had just gotten out of a complicated, long-distance relationship about 4 months previous. I was healing and re-evaluating what I wanted in my life. I knew I wanted to date. I knew I wanted to get married again. The first time I got on ldssingles.com, I met some great friends. I went on some interesting dates. I almost never said no and if the date was okay, I always agreed to a second date. (It is too hard to get a clear idea of someone on a first date.) So, now I find myself on the precipice of dating again. I got back on ldssingles.com and I vividly remember thinking to myself, "Cast your net wide. Something good will come back.". So I did.

I looked at pictures and read profiles. I wanted to find the man in the picture attractive but I didn't limit myself to a certain hair color or number of kids or anything. Personality, emotional connection, ability to communicate are more important to me at this stage of the game. I was BOLD! I found some men that seemed interesting to me and I reached out to them. I sent them "smiles". 

One in particular was MagicMan007. He wasn't what I would immediately have looked at previously...he was BALD!! But his profile intrigued me and I "smiled" at him. Apparently, he got notifications on his phone and he was immediately notified that someone had "smiled" at him. He was working out of town and only had his phone with him at the time. He saw that I was online and sent me an instant message. The interface on his phone with ldssingles.com was terrible and we were having a hard time communicating. He asked if he could connect up again with me that evening when he got back to his hotel and had access to his laptop. I readily agreed and we got offline. 

I joined ldssingles.com on April 10, 2013.
I "smiled" at MagicMan007 on April 12, 2013.

April 10, 2013: We joined ldssingles.com

April 12, 2013: We met online

April 13, 2013: Our first date

October 8, 2013: She said "yes"!

October 11, 2013: We said "I do!"

We like to call it FATE!

this is our story...