I have said many times that marriage is hard. I don't really care if it is your first marriage to your high school sweet heart, or your 6th marriage to that millionaire that you just found on millionairesingles.com. (Not a real website btw. I know, I looked.) But when you are putting two people together that have kids, and past relationships, and past spouses, the stakes are a touch higher. DeShelle and I both came into this marriage with our eyes pretty wide open. Both of us came with scars and hurts. We came with expectations that came with previous relationships and previous marriages. Some of which may not be healthy, but for the most part we did a pretty good job of being candid about what we wanted in a spouse. Hence the title of this post. I wanted someone to link arms with me and move forward. Whatever that meant.
This past month we have turned into hotel Gray, which was the artist formerly known as hotel DeShelle. Mind you, I love all of DeShelle's friends. I love their kids, and I love to entertain. Are there moments that it is a bit much... of course there is. But I just want to take a minute and brag about my lovely wife. This is one of the things that I love about her. She sucks at saying "no" just as much as I do. :) And the truth is.... I don't want her to say no. I love that people want to be with us. At one point we had 17 people staying with us. But it was great. We made it work. And if it is one thing that I have realized about marriage, it is that it is work. You link arms, and you go forward together.
I have had the opportunity to get to know people and their children. I have seen the heartache that others feel for their kids just as I feel for mine. I have seen DeShelle shine. I have seen her give advice and encouragement to those that need a lifting hand. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. I have seen and know first hand that wickedness never was happiness. I know the pain of sin. I worry constantly that I am not good enough. I am in awe each day that a woman like DeShelle would want to link arms with me and head the right direction. In a recent conversation with one of our friends, we were discussing parenting. Because let's face it, we have 8 GREAT kids. Here are the simple rules to how we manage this thing called second marriage, which I think makes us pretty awesome parents!
1. We always link arms. We are united. Do we always agree? Yep. Kidding... Of course we don't always agree. Neither do the 12 apostles, but when a decision is made, we don't undermine each other. We run with it, arms linked.
2. We talk. I will be the first to say that I am a terrible communicator at times. But we talk. And when we talk, we talk it through. Communicating is the one thing that is so important. Without communication, we would be torn apart by 5 teens and 3 almost teens. So communication is critical.
3. We lead by example. We go to church. We read our scriptures as a family and individually. We pray together. We respect each other. We WORK on it. Whatever "it" is at the moment. We work on our relationship, but mostly we lead from the front.
4. We are committed to doing what is right. Are we perfect? Not even close. But at the end of the day, we are committed to doing the right thing. My children, my wife, and my Father in Heaven all deserve someone that is trying to do what is right. I have plenty of excuses not to do the right thing. No one would fault me for not going to church. I am not even a member, and I haven't been for over 4 years. But I show up each Sunday. Why? Because I am committed to doing what is right. Plain and simple.
5. We keep eternity in mind. DeShelle does this better than me. I stink at this. I am lucky because if she didn't have an eternal perspective, then why would she be with me? She wouldn't. I can't give her the things she deserves today and that KILLS me. But she has hope for the eternal plan of our Father. I love her so much for that. What a great gift that is to me. I don't know if I would have enough faith to see someone as they can become and not as they are. Keeping an eternal perspective on all things makes life much better. It makes you slower to anger, less fragile, and more likely to forgive. We would all do well to take a lesson from DeShelle on this one.
There are many more things that we do to make our marriage work, but these are 5 simple rules that we strive to live by each day. I love that I get to share my crazy life with DeShelle and 8 amazingly crazy children. I am truly the luckiest man alive.
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