Seven Years...

After 7 long years, it happened! Zane has been re-baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was an amazing night and I am so grateful for his example and testimony. Through all of his personal struggles, Zane has never wavered in his testimony of Jesus Christ and the Atonement and it is one of the things I love about him. Our journey on Earth is filled with challenges and struggles and I believe God wants to see us come closer to Him through them. He requires us to have a broken heart and contrite spirit and we can develop that through our adversities as we lean on God for strength. Zane is an amazing man and I am so grateful he is my husband and spiritual partner. I am blessed to have him. 

Service in Jail...

I remember an experience on my mission where we were visiting with a woman who had lost a child to SIDS. She was mourning and depressed and was having a very difficult time finding a reason to get up every morning. I remember thinking that I had never experienced death of a close relative or friend in my life up to that point. I wondered how I would react. Would I be depressed? Could I function? Would I be sad but comforted because I had a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation? It made me wonder who I really was deep inside. What are my core beliefs? What was my foundation? I could speculate all I wanted but until a situation came my way, I wouldn't be tested.

Zane has shared some feelings he had when he was in jail. The one thing that stood out to me was his reaction to it all. I'm sure there are many people in the same situation who would ball up in the fetal position and lament the entire situation. Others might get mad and build up resentment and ill feelings the entire stay. Zane did neither of those. I am sure he had moments of those feelings. He wouldn't be human if he didn't. However, the thing that impressed me was that he made the most he could of the situation. He got out of himself and instead, served those around him. He helped inmates study for the GED, he committed acts of service, and generally, he kept a positive attitude in the situation. He became friends with some of his fellow inmates. Relationships that I have seen continue today and many of them thank Zane for his influence and example in jail. Zane is such a good guy and has such a love for those in his life. I am truly grateful for his example in my life.

I came across this quote from "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl and, although Utah County Jail cannot compare to a concentration camp, it reminded me that we all have a choice. How are we going to react to our trials? What is our foundation? In moments of trial and stress, it will manifest itself. Zane chose a positive path and, in so doing, made that year in jail meaningful and purposeful. What a great example.

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

And there were always choices to make.

Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become molded into the form of the typical inmate.

Seen from this point of view, the mental reactions of the inmates of a concentration camp must seem more to us than the mere expression of certain physical and sociological conditions. Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him--mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevski said once, 'There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.' These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom--which cannot be taken away--that makes life meaningful and purposeful."

Do you believe in the Atonement? So do I...

Our marathon date on April 13 was awesome! Throughout the night, we made references to the our pasts and why we were divorced but didn't dig too deep. Zane kept saying, "When I know you better and you are ready to see me cry, I will tell you all about it." I wasn't coming into this with my eyes shut. I am 41 years old and I am divorced. Most people at my age who are divorced are divorced for a reason. And it isn't just one person's fault. It takes two to get divorced. I knew I had faults and struggles and was part of my own divorce. It would be unfair of me to think that Zane would have no baggage or be completely innocent in HIS divorce. Of course we would cry as we talked about broken marriages and families. Those aren't reasons to rejoice.

I know we all make mistakes. In my dating experiences, I looked for one thing...what direction are they heading? Are they heading towards God or away?

About 3am, Zane and I were still sitting in the parking lot of IHOP talking. He had made some references to his past. I finally stopped him from saying anything else and I asked him two questions that, I believe, were put into my mind to ask him. I felt inspired. This is how the conversation went...

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Zane: Sure.

Me: Did you ever serve time in jail?

Zane: Yes, I did.

Me: Are you currently a member of the Church?

Zane: No, I am not.

Then he followed that up with, "Buckle up, it's about to get good."

For the next few hours we talked about his life. The mistakes he had made and the consequences that followed. He held NOTHING back. I heard all of it. He may have missed a detail or two but I heard as much as he could share.

He says that I kept trying to get closer and closer to my door as he spilled his guts but I don't think that is true. I listened. And felt at peace. I was so impressed with the way he was trying to overcome the challenges and struggles in his life. He was arrested. He was served divorce papers. He was ex-communicated. All in a short amount of time. Then the waiting period for the trial. The verdict? Go to jail for a year, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Through it all, his TESTIMONY did not falter. His love for God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, DID NOT falter. The shame he felt. The sadness he felt. The anger he felt. I can't even imagine all of those feelings. Yet, Zane never gave up.

He finished his story by saying he had a great time on our date and he would completely understand if I never wanted to see him again. He was grateful to have met me and he had a wonderful time. Maybe we could be friends.

I just looked at him and asked him this simple question...

Me: "Do you believe in the Atonement?"

Zane: "Of course, I do."

Me: "So do I."

I have an unfaltering testimony of my Savior and what He did for all of us while He was here on this Earth. He overcame all of our weaknesses. We aren't meant for failure here but we ARE here to learn. Some of us have bigger lessons to learn than others. But as long as we get up, learn from our trials, and continually move closer to our Heavenly Father, we are on the right path. Grace is good. The Atonement is real. With all of his mistakes, Zane was the first man I dated who was on the right path and committed to staying on it. He impressed me.

He was exactly who I wanted to link arms with and move forward in life. We have the same eternal perspective and I am grateful. I know he is sad to be where he is at. It's true that there are blessings that we can't have right now in our lives. We can't be sealed together for eternity. But we will. I have no doubts.

I am grateful he chose me to share this path with him. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have him in my life.

Isn't it such a fluke? No, I like to call it FATE.

Shame

One of the most profound days of my life was the day I was sentenced to a year in jail.  It was the beginning of something that I didn't expect.  It was one of the hardest years of my life.  It was when I realized that It couldn’t matter to me anymore what anyone else thought. And I didn’t realize it back then, that the Lord would use me, to show me the incredible love He had for me.  

I recently spoke with a young girl that has broken the law of chastity.  She is distraught.  I have friends that struggle with addiction.  To them, and to all the people that have really messed up in life, the drug addicts, the prostitutes, the gang members, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and everyone else I know... the people in the church and outside of the church that have made mistakes.  To the boys and girls who didn’t say no before marriage, who have heard the messages out there on saving yourself for marriage, and staying pure, and you feel like you just want to run because you have already crossed the line… and you feel marked…and you think there is no turning back…let me speak this truth to you:  Jesus does NOT condemn you.

He came to rescue you and restore you, and he will meet you right in the middle of your mess.  No matter what kind of mess or how big that mess may be.  He will meet you in the middle if you let him.  It does NOT matter how messy you have made your life.  As one who made his life messier than most, I know this to be true...  To my dear little friend who broke the law of chastity, I would say...

You need to remember that it is only by his cleansing blood that you are truly pure.  Saving yourself for marriage will not make you right with God. (It is a sign of obedience to Gods commandments),  But ONLY trusting Jesus’ atonement for ALL of the ways you have sinned against him will make you right with the Lord.  And crazy as it sounds…he is counting on using your past sins for your good if you are his child!  They are never wasted.

Maybe you have messed up so many times that you think there is just no way Jesus could forgive you. Or maybe you think if you just feel bad enough and stay away from certain people things will change and God will eventually feel better about you and accept you. But nothing could be further from the truth. Do you know how many accounts there are of women in the Bible that the world thought of very low worth, very sinful women, that Jesus pursued in love? Do you know He says that he takes great delight in his daughters? And rejoices over you? That is how the Lord loves you…in all your mess…in all your sin and shame.

If you are like me, you will have to battle to believe this on a daily basis. You may fight the battle of not only accusations you are telling yourself, but also the accusations you hear from others.  But this is when we have to remember that this is exactly the path that Jesus took to save us!
He died the death we deserved to die.
He lived the perfect life we never could.
Jesus was on trial; the world was judge and jury. And this was the path that Jesus chose as the way to rescue the shamed. The path he chose to rescue ME and YOU!

The atonement is the best and quickest summary of what God says to unworthy people.  He always says, ‘I love you’ first.

Tell those promises to yourself, daily! Remind yourself of them.  I know the shame I have had as a person that made a mess of his life.  I know how the Lord has redeemed my life and has shown me a life with Christ, rather than without.   Every one of us has experienced shame in some way. It resonates deeply in all of us at some level.  And shame had been a close companion of mine for most of my life. It started way before I became a single dad who was jailed and excommunicated. 

Fathers Day the year I got out of jail was hard.  I was at church and I knew during the service they were going to have all of the fathers stand up and have the kids in Young Mens and Young Womens come up to the front and get a chocolate or something to give to their dads. I was so uncomfortable with it.  I was so thankful that my baby Quinn had started crying and I had an excuse to leave the service and basically go hide. A few minutes later…there I stood in the back of the church, and my son came up to me with a chocolate candy bar in his hands, excited for me to have it. Of course I took it and hugged him and allowed him to have that moment to honor me like that. Though inside, I felt completely undeserving of that attention. That boy didn’t know his dad like I knew him.

It has been said that Most people who know shame are horribly uncomfortable with the idea of receiving honor.  I didn’t know it that Father’s Day but shame had followed me since I was a young man. There it was twenty five years later standing there right with me, looking me in the eye in that church service.

We all have this self ideal of who we think we should be. When we fall short of that, we feel shame. And of course we fall short, because we are sinners.  Our innocence was taken from us because of the fall.  Because of our rebellion, that innocence and honor has dissolved.

The Lord Jesus Christ knows every dark crevice of our heart. And just like the father of the prodigal son, he says, “I know what you’ve done. I know where you’ve been. I am so happy you have come home! We need to celebrate!”  It almost feels scandalous and undeserving, doesn’t it?  It’s too over the top! We can’t handle that are we are delighted in from someone who knows everything about us.

There was a time in my life where I absolutely could not believe that God could love me. I knew the gospel in my head. I preached the atonement to my kids. But it didn’t feel like enough for me. I remember telling the Lord time and time again, “Lord, YOU have to make me believe this. I can hardly believe this and do it myself.” He answered that prayer by stripping me of the enjoyment of every prideful thing in my life, and gave me the gift of “coming to my senses”.

“And when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. Make me as one of thy hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father.”

And then what did the Lord do when I came to him?

"But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.  And the son said unto him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.’ But the father said to his servants,‘Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring hither the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and be merry. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to be merry."

Those who struggle with deep shame can find this the most awkward. Celebrating me? In my mind, being a servant seems so much more comfortable! I’ll take the back door into his kingdom. I’ll be the wall flower and watch the party going on. I’ll serve the wine while everyone else sits at the table feasting. That’s the role I am most comfortable with.

To those that struggle I would repeat a quote:   “There is no gate that says, “Second class, enter here.” If you want Jesus, you must be willing to accept the honor that goes with the relationship. God has honored you. The gospel is the story of how he did it… We never thought he would come down off the throne, willingly become our servant, and serve us all the way to the cross.”

Some days it still feels like I have accidentally walked into someone else’s life. Grace just feels so ridiculous. Like Dorothy walking into the land of Oz…out of the black and white of her life and entering this whole new world of color.  It’s beautiful and amazing… yet scary and strange.  How do I deserve a loving wife and acceptance?  I don't.  But I know that the shame that has come from sin is swallowed up in my Savior, and it isn't really about me.  It is about HIM.  

Oh, the freedom of knowing it isn’t about us!  Of knowing each time I come back to my Father when I have sinned, that he only feels compassion for me. That when I call out for help, I am honoring him.  I am guessing that I will continue to feel shame, but I will do my best to not let it engulf me like it has in the past.  I am so thankful that one day soon, shame will vanish completely.

I hate kids...

I know that the title of this can be misleading.  I want to make it clear what I meant.  I REALLY truly hate kids.  Not mine of course, but yours I hate.  OK, hate is a strong word.  I REALLY truly dislike kids.  I know exactly what you are thinking... how does a magician hate kids?  Well... I am a magician, not a clown.  I am a professional sleight of hand close-up magician.  I say the word magic and people immediately assume that I want to entertain their 4 year old at his birthday party with 10 other 4 year olds and make balloon animals.  Nope, nada, not happening, not this guy.  So... why do I agree to do magic for kids?  Because I am dumb, and I have a high threshold for pain.  Seriously... I even perform a trick at the start of my show called "I hate kids."  Every performance I do for kids I come home and tell DeShelle that I am never doing another kids show again.  And then some school calls and once again I lack the ability to say no.

I guess now is the part where I tell you that being married for a second time means that I have inherited 4 more kids.  Bringing the grand total to 8.  5 of which are teens.  The other 3 are 12, 11, and 4.  So, how do things flow at our home?  Pretty dang well.  We are so blessed to have great kids.  They get along splendidly with each other and I really believe that they are all friends.  This doesn't mean that I like any of them, but I am glad that we have them.

One of the hardest parts about bringing the two families together is the timing of the kids.  Especially the teens.  Life is busy.  Life is hard.  There are many things that pull us in different directions, but never more so than when you are a teen.  There is always something going on in their lives.  Be it a dance, a date, a concert, a play, or even a sporting event, there is always something.  For me, this has been a difficult balancing act.  I want my kids to enjoy themselves, but I miss seeing them each day and interacting with them.  Only having them every other weekend is super hard for me, so when things come up I want to say "No, you can't do that because I want to spend time with you."  Unfortunately I know that is not how it works.  That, for me, has been the roughest transition in this process.  Even more so than DeShelle's incessant snoring, but that is another blog entry.  :)

I think one of the best things DeShelle and I have going is that we both have pretty good ex's.  It's hard to be married.  It's hard to be divorced.  It is hard to have an ex that will always be there because of the kids.  My ex has never once tried to keep my kids from me, and that makes me so happy and so grateful.  DeShelle's ex lives close and is very involved with her kids as well.  In the juggling act that is called second marriage, this is a great blessing for both of us.  Yes it is hard, but I think we are all doing pretty darn good at it.

It's hard being a step-dad.  Jackson, Mariah, Jalyn and Shane are great.  THEY don't make it hard.  It is just hard for me to know my place at times.  I think this is super normal for all step parents.  I remember eating pie with DeShelle and Mariah one night at a restaurant.  The server made a comment to Mariah about eating out with her parents and she was quick to point out "He is NOT my dad."  I made a joke out of it and told the server that "she was NOT my daughter."  We can laugh about it now, and I am glad that these 4 kids have a good dad, and that I get to be a cheerleader for them on their journey.  I am fortunate enough to have 4 amazing kids of my own that have a good mother and an awesome step-mom.

I want all 8 of my kids (both original flavor and step flavor)  to know that I love them.  I miss them when they aren't around.  I think of them often and pray for them each day.  They all hold a very special place in my heart, which is pretty great considering that I hate kids.  :)

I get to be a contributor...

I am glad that DeShelle invited me to be a contributor to our blog.  There are several reasons that I think this is important.

1.  I can set the record straight.  (You know how women are always romanticizing the truth)
2.  I can help the male followers of her blog see things from a mans perspective.  Also known as the "right" perspective.
3.  Most importantly, I can bring a bit of humor to the blog.  DeShelle is cute and witty, but I am pretty sure that I am the funny one.  She is the eye candy.  :)

There are many things that I love about my wife.  I love that she gets my sarcasm.  Sarcasm is a special sort of humor.  Those that use it often (like me) tend to use it at all the wrong times.  I am always saying the most inappropriate things at the wrong time.  Thank goodness she can just chuckle and roll her eyes at me, and I know I will still be loved when we get home.  This is a great example of a time that I can set the record straight... I can honestly say that when the man walked up to me and said that I had a lovely daughter (she is 14) and I freaked out on him and was like... "what do you mean I have a lovely daughter, why you looking at my daughter?"  DeShelle jumped between us and was like... "Zane, the Bishop was just saying..."  See... without her, how was I supposed to know?

I think one of my favorite things about DeShelle is that she is a great friend and a wonderful servant of the Lord.  She is always looking for things to do for others and I absolutely love her for this.  I know that there are a lot of great people in the world, but I was lucky enough to grab one of the best.

I hope that as you read this blog and DeShelle talks about why the title of the blog is "we like to call it fate..." that it will become clear which one of us believes in fate, and which one of us calls it a "fluke."  Here's a hint... I also believe in dinosaurs.  One thing that DeShelle is certain never existed.  I am pretty sure that if you ask her, she will say that all those bones in Vernal and the ones that reside at Thanksgiving Point are just a fluke.  :)