I like pie.

I like pie! I mean, I REALLY like pie. I even have a shirt that says "I like pie." That's how much I like it. I love to celebrate Pie Day. I'm not talking about Pi day. I don't like Pi and I don't want to celebrate that day. National Pie Day is January 23. 1/23. It's as easy as 1,2,3...get it? Easy as pie.

The year I turned 40, I decided to try out 40 different pies before I turned 40. It was such a fun experience. It took me all over the United States. I had pie in Missouri, California, Pennsylvania, and Utah. My absolute favorite from that experience was Shoo-fly pie from the Amish Country in Pennsylvania. Amazing pie. I recommend it to everyone.

Yesterday, I turned 44. Not a big milestone but, in one year I will be 45! That is a HUGE milestone to me. That means if I live to be 90, I will be half-way there. Or if I live to 80, I'm already over half-way. It gave me pause to reflect and I decided it was time to get serious about life. I'm ready to try new pie!

So, here I start again. 45 different pies before I turn 45.

Zane and I were in New Orleans over the weekend to celebrate my birthday and I kicked off my new quest. It is going to be difficult to top because this was AMAZING pie. We went to Emeril's and tried his original and famous banana cream pie...oh...my...goodness...it was heaven! I couldn't resist waiting for that first bite and I apologize to our server for stabbing him with my fork. Seriously, how long does it really take to put a plate of pie on the table? He was taking forever! It was worth the wait...and the injury to the waiter. DEE-VINE!!

Pie #1 (Banana Cream pie- Emeril's New Orleans)

The next day we took a trek out to the Oak Alley Plantation about 1 hour west of New Orleans. We had lunch in their cute restaurant (I recommend the Gumbo). For dessert, they brought out a delicious piece of Buttermilk pie. Oh...the memories of cutting into that crusty cinnamon topping and savoring the creamy, delicious flavor. I ate this one too fast to get a picture but it definitely made my list.

Pie #2 (Buttermilk Pie- Oak Alley Plantation, New Orleans)

So two down, 43 to go. I am up for recommendations and I will travel for pie. My only rule: I don't count Marie Callendar's pies. Not because they aren't delicious but I could easily knock out most my list in one sitting. I am looking for the local, unique, award-winning pies of the country. Send your recommendations my way...

Next year...I'll join a gym. :)

Meeting his kids...

I got to meet the little one first. Zane came to my work to take me to lunch and he had his littlest with him. She was 3 at the time, about to turn 4. What a cutie! However, I just kept thinking, "My youngest is almost 11!! I am past this little kid stage. Could I go back? Do I WANT to go back?" It was something to think about and consider as Zane and I continued to get to know each other.

We went to the Chic-Fil-A in the mall so that she would get her chicken nuggets. She was super cute and even reached over to hold my hand while we walked to our table. We sat and visited and when Zane asked her a usual question, he got an unusual answer. He asked, "Who's my princess?" Expecting the usual answer of "I am!", he instead got a finger pointed at ME. I was feeling like Zane's princess but what an intuitive moment by a toddler to figure it out.

She hooked me. I really liked her. I knew there were still more kids to meet and hurdles to jump but my fear of little kids was dissipating. We could do this!

Service in Jail...

I remember an experience on my mission where we were visiting with a woman who had lost a child to SIDS. She was mourning and depressed and was having a very difficult time finding a reason to get up every morning. I remember thinking that I had never experienced death of a close relative or friend in my life up to that point. I wondered how I would react. Would I be depressed? Could I function? Would I be sad but comforted because I had a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation? It made me wonder who I really was deep inside. What are my core beliefs? What was my foundation? I could speculate all I wanted but until a situation came my way, I wouldn't be tested.

Zane has shared some feelings he had when he was in jail. The one thing that stood out to me was his reaction to it all. I'm sure there are many people in the same situation who would ball up in the fetal position and lament the entire situation. Others might get mad and build up resentment and ill feelings the entire stay. Zane did neither of those. I am sure he had moments of those feelings. He wouldn't be human if he didn't. However, the thing that impressed me was that he made the most he could of the situation. He got out of himself and instead, served those around him. He helped inmates study for the GED, he committed acts of service, and generally, he kept a positive attitude in the situation. He became friends with some of his fellow inmates. Relationships that I have seen continue today and many of them thank Zane for his influence and example in jail. Zane is such a good guy and has such a love for those in his life. I am truly grateful for his example in my life.

I came across this quote from "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl and, although Utah County Jail cannot compare to a concentration camp, it reminded me that we all have a choice. How are we going to react to our trials? What is our foundation? In moments of trial and stress, it will manifest itself. Zane chose a positive path and, in so doing, made that year in jail meaningful and purposeful. What a great example.

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

And there were always choices to make.

Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become molded into the form of the typical inmate.

Seen from this point of view, the mental reactions of the inmates of a concentration camp must seem more to us than the mere expression of certain physical and sociological conditions. Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him--mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevski said once, 'There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.' These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom--which cannot be taken away--that makes life meaningful and purposeful."

The morning after the best first-date weekend...

This was delivered to me at work on Monday morning. I was a bit tired after staying up all-night Saturday night and not getting to bed early on Sunday night. Best follow-up delivery...

Meeting the kids...

Sunday was rough. I was so tired. We had stayed up all night talking and I was emotionally and physically spent. But there was no time for a nap. I needed to be in Church with my kids.

I love Church. I love the people in my congregation. I love that it has a smaller youth program so that my kids can be heavily involved. They give a talk at least once a year and when they aren't there, people notice. I appreciate that. After my divorce, I clung to my ward. I needed the stability and love from the people for myself and for my kids. I was a wreck. I tried very hard to keep my kids from seeing that but inside I was a wreck. I leaned heavily on the amazing people in my ward to show consistent love and acceptance of my family when I wasn't so sure I could do it. They were all amazing and I am truly grateful for that blessing. Every ward should be this wonderful.

After church, I needed to head to Spanish Fork to return a truck I had borrowed from my brother. My new 16-year old son/driver was going to follow me and bring me home. Zane and I had been texting throughout the day and when I mentioned my plans, he was quick to suggest that he meet me in Spanish Fork and bring me home. Hmmm, I hesitated slightly. I just met this guy and he wants to bring me home to my HOUSE? He will know where I LIVE? I liked the guy, I was falling for him. But what if he really was an AX MURDERER??

But that was just a fleeting thought. I was excited to see him again. So, yes, he can bring me home.

Zane met my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew that day. We still tease about the impression he made on them. I think we were all a little nervous and there were some funny jokes told that we still talk about.

On the way home, I expressed my anxiety about him meeting my kids. I wasn't sure if I was ready. My kids knew I dated and occassionally even participated in it. We had fun together scrolling through on-line profiles, chatting online, and they even joined me on a few dates. I didn't want to hide the fact that I was dating but I also didn't want to parade a bunch of guys in front of them either. I think I found a good balance. I guess I will find out when I see the therapy bills they will all need in the future.

I REALLY liked Zane and I knew my kids would like him too. He came into the house, performed a few magic tricks for my kids, and they were hooked. I'm sure the "turning a one-dollar bill into a twenty" helped with the first impression, too. Zane was so great with them. For a guy who professes to HATE kids (as do I, so I can totally relate), he hit it off well with my kids.

The next day, I told my kids that I was really interested in Zane and I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. This is how my youngest reacted...

Me: I think I want to start dating Zane exclusively. What do you think?

Shane: The Magician??

Me: Yes.

Shane: (pumping fist into the air) YES!!

I think they were okay with it. Time would only tell how things would turn out but I liked what I knew of Zane and I wanted to see what could come out of it. He is a great guy and I felt spiritually at peace with my decision to move forward with the relationship. I am a big believer of Fruits.

3rd Nephi 14:16-17: "Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit."

I was willing to invest the time to see what our fruits could be. I was excited for the adventure.

Do you believe in the Atonement? So do I...

Our marathon date on April 13 was awesome! Throughout the night, we made references to the our pasts and why we were divorced but didn't dig too deep. Zane kept saying, "When I know you better and you are ready to see me cry, I will tell you all about it." I wasn't coming into this with my eyes shut. I am 41 years old and I am divorced. Most people at my age who are divorced are divorced for a reason. And it isn't just one person's fault. It takes two to get divorced. I knew I had faults and struggles and was part of my own divorce. It would be unfair of me to think that Zane would have no baggage or be completely innocent in HIS divorce. Of course we would cry as we talked about broken marriages and families. Those aren't reasons to rejoice.

I know we all make mistakes. In my dating experiences, I looked for one thing...what direction are they heading? Are they heading towards God or away?

About 3am, Zane and I were still sitting in the parking lot of IHOP talking. He had made some references to his past. I finally stopped him from saying anything else and I asked him two questions that, I believe, were put into my mind to ask him. I felt inspired. This is how the conversation went...

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Zane: Sure.

Me: Did you ever serve time in jail?

Zane: Yes, I did.

Me: Are you currently a member of the Church?

Zane: No, I am not.

Then he followed that up with, "Buckle up, it's about to get good."

For the next few hours we talked about his life. The mistakes he had made and the consequences that followed. He held NOTHING back. I heard all of it. He may have missed a detail or two but I heard as much as he could share.

He says that I kept trying to get closer and closer to my door as he spilled his guts but I don't think that is true. I listened. And felt at peace. I was so impressed with the way he was trying to overcome the challenges and struggles in his life. He was arrested. He was served divorce papers. He was ex-communicated. All in a short amount of time. Then the waiting period for the trial. The verdict? Go to jail for a year, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Through it all, his TESTIMONY did not falter. His love for God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, DID NOT falter. The shame he felt. The sadness he felt. The anger he felt. I can't even imagine all of those feelings. Yet, Zane never gave up.

He finished his story by saying he had a great time on our date and he would completely understand if I never wanted to see him again. He was grateful to have met me and he had a wonderful time. Maybe we could be friends.

I just looked at him and asked him this simple question...

Me: "Do you believe in the Atonement?"

Zane: "Of course, I do."

Me: "So do I."

I have an unfaltering testimony of my Savior and what He did for all of us while He was here on this Earth. He overcame all of our weaknesses. We aren't meant for failure here but we ARE here to learn. Some of us have bigger lessons to learn than others. But as long as we get up, learn from our trials, and continually move closer to our Heavenly Father, we are on the right path. Grace is good. The Atonement is real. With all of his mistakes, Zane was the first man I dated who was on the right path and committed to staying on it. He impressed me.

He was exactly who I wanted to link arms with and move forward in life. We have the same eternal perspective and I am grateful. I know he is sad to be where he is at. It's true that there are blessings that we can't have right now in our lives. We can't be sealed together for eternity. But we will. I have no doubts.

I am grateful he chose me to share this path with him. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have him in my life.

Isn't it such a fluke? No, I like to call it FATE.

Shame

One of the most profound days of my life was the day I was sentenced to a year in jail.  It was the beginning of something that I didn't expect.  It was one of the hardest years of my life.  It was when I realized that It couldn’t matter to me anymore what anyone else thought. And I didn’t realize it back then, that the Lord would use me, to show me the incredible love He had for me.  

I recently spoke with a young girl that has broken the law of chastity.  She is distraught.  I have friends that struggle with addiction.  To them, and to all the people that have really messed up in life, the drug addicts, the prostitutes, the gang members, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and everyone else I know... the people in the church and outside of the church that have made mistakes.  To the boys and girls who didn’t say no before marriage, who have heard the messages out there on saving yourself for marriage, and staying pure, and you feel like you just want to run because you have already crossed the line… and you feel marked…and you think there is no turning back…let me speak this truth to you:  Jesus does NOT condemn you.

He came to rescue you and restore you, and he will meet you right in the middle of your mess.  No matter what kind of mess or how big that mess may be.  He will meet you in the middle if you let him.  It does NOT matter how messy you have made your life.  As one who made his life messier than most, I know this to be true...  To my dear little friend who broke the law of chastity, I would say...

You need to remember that it is only by his cleansing blood that you are truly pure.  Saving yourself for marriage will not make you right with God. (It is a sign of obedience to Gods commandments),  But ONLY trusting Jesus’ atonement for ALL of the ways you have sinned against him will make you right with the Lord.  And crazy as it sounds…he is counting on using your past sins for your good if you are his child!  They are never wasted.

Maybe you have messed up so many times that you think there is just no way Jesus could forgive you. Or maybe you think if you just feel bad enough and stay away from certain people things will change and God will eventually feel better about you and accept you. But nothing could be further from the truth. Do you know how many accounts there are of women in the Bible that the world thought of very low worth, very sinful women, that Jesus pursued in love? Do you know He says that he takes great delight in his daughters? And rejoices over you? That is how the Lord loves you…in all your mess…in all your sin and shame.

If you are like me, you will have to battle to believe this on a daily basis. You may fight the battle of not only accusations you are telling yourself, but also the accusations you hear from others.  But this is when we have to remember that this is exactly the path that Jesus took to save us!
He died the death we deserved to die.
He lived the perfect life we never could.
Jesus was on trial; the world was judge and jury. And this was the path that Jesus chose as the way to rescue the shamed. The path he chose to rescue ME and YOU!

The atonement is the best and quickest summary of what God says to unworthy people.  He always says, ‘I love you’ first.

Tell those promises to yourself, daily! Remind yourself of them.  I know the shame I have had as a person that made a mess of his life.  I know how the Lord has redeemed my life and has shown me a life with Christ, rather than without.   Every one of us has experienced shame in some way. It resonates deeply in all of us at some level.  And shame had been a close companion of mine for most of my life. It started way before I became a single dad who was jailed and excommunicated. 

Fathers Day the year I got out of jail was hard.  I was at church and I knew during the service they were going to have all of the fathers stand up and have the kids in Young Mens and Young Womens come up to the front and get a chocolate or something to give to their dads. I was so uncomfortable with it.  I was so thankful that my baby Quinn had started crying and I had an excuse to leave the service and basically go hide. A few minutes later…there I stood in the back of the church, and my son came up to me with a chocolate candy bar in his hands, excited for me to have it. Of course I took it and hugged him and allowed him to have that moment to honor me like that. Though inside, I felt completely undeserving of that attention. That boy didn’t know his dad like I knew him.

It has been said that Most people who know shame are horribly uncomfortable with the idea of receiving honor.  I didn’t know it that Father’s Day but shame had followed me since I was a young man. There it was twenty five years later standing there right with me, looking me in the eye in that church service.

We all have this self ideal of who we think we should be. When we fall short of that, we feel shame. And of course we fall short, because we are sinners.  Our innocence was taken from us because of the fall.  Because of our rebellion, that innocence and honor has dissolved.

The Lord Jesus Christ knows every dark crevice of our heart. And just like the father of the prodigal son, he says, “I know what you’ve done. I know where you’ve been. I am so happy you have come home! We need to celebrate!”  It almost feels scandalous and undeserving, doesn’t it?  It’s too over the top! We can’t handle that are we are delighted in from someone who knows everything about us.

There was a time in my life where I absolutely could not believe that God could love me. I knew the gospel in my head. I preached the atonement to my kids. But it didn’t feel like enough for me. I remember telling the Lord time and time again, “Lord, YOU have to make me believe this. I can hardly believe this and do it myself.” He answered that prayer by stripping me of the enjoyment of every prideful thing in my life, and gave me the gift of “coming to my senses”.

“And when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. Make me as one of thy hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father.”

And then what did the Lord do when I came to him?

"But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.  And the son said unto him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.’ But the father said to his servants,‘Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring hither the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and be merry. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to be merry."

Those who struggle with deep shame can find this the most awkward. Celebrating me? In my mind, being a servant seems so much more comfortable! I’ll take the back door into his kingdom. I’ll be the wall flower and watch the party going on. I’ll serve the wine while everyone else sits at the table feasting. That’s the role I am most comfortable with.

To those that struggle I would repeat a quote:   “There is no gate that says, “Second class, enter here.” If you want Jesus, you must be willing to accept the honor that goes with the relationship. God has honored you. The gospel is the story of how he did it… We never thought he would come down off the throne, willingly become our servant, and serve us all the way to the cross.”

Some days it still feels like I have accidentally walked into someone else’s life. Grace just feels so ridiculous. Like Dorothy walking into the land of Oz…out of the black and white of her life and entering this whole new world of color.  It’s beautiful and amazing… yet scary and strange.  How do I deserve a loving wife and acceptance?  I don't.  But I know that the shame that has come from sin is swallowed up in my Savior, and it isn't really about me.  It is about HIM.  

Oh, the freedom of knowing it isn’t about us!  Of knowing each time I come back to my Father when I have sinned, that he only feels compassion for me. That when I call out for help, I am honoring him.  I am guessing that I will continue to feel shame, but I will do my best to not let it engulf me like it has in the past.  I am so thankful that one day soon, shame will vanish completely.